Terrible Games that Reviewers Loved

I should open by saying firmly that this article is entirely based on my opinion and as much of my life as I have wasted on games I'm not the final word on this at all (so no fanboy bullshit). That said, I have to wonder where a reviewer's head is at and if they actually played the same game I did. Every game I am about to mention received glowingly positive reviews from every major gaming publication and site. Feel free to argue with me, as long as you make a coherent point.

Ace Attorney: Phoenix Wright
This isn't so much a game as it's a playable (and I use this word VERY loosely) novel. The game holds you by the hand as it guides you through the story, leading you to obvious conclusions and being patient with your mistakes. I think it's possible to actually lose this game by making faulty connections to much but I couldn't do it. As a novel it's not even a good one. It's full of plot holes and bad humor and is at best vaguely amusing. It might have worked well as an anime but it's not even a game at all. The level of interaction might as well not exist.

Devil May Cry:
I know I'm going to earn some hatred on this one so let me say that I only played the first one and didn't care to waste my time on the others. If you're going to think I don't care for this game because it's 'too hard', again you're wrong. This game has two speeds: so easy I could play with my eyes shut and shitstorm cheap. Most of the enemies in this game fight worse then dynasty warriors soldiers. Except for the boss fights, which is the 'hard' part. It's not hard because it takes any real skill or because the ai is well designed. it's hard because these enemies are cheap. They pull out attacks that can't be anticipated or imagined. You just have to learn the patterns. This isn't skill, it's more like playing punch out (which is fun because it at least presents itself that way). This isn't a platformer as there is no platforming, just simple jumping tasks and a lot of running around. No puzzles, no strategy, no dificulty, just learning to follow patterns. Similar games like soul reaver and god of war absolutely bury this game in story and gameplay (lest you think I just don't like this sort of game)

Final Fantasy 7
I feel obligated to tell you that I'm not a troll. I know this is a beloved game but I don't care for it. I am very fond of the final fantasy series so I'm not just someone who can't appreciate it. I loved 4,5,6,10, and 12. (you'll notice I don't care for the ps1 games at all. it's nothing against the system). The thing with 7 is that the story is decent. If it were cleaned up and presented as a novel I'd probably have loved it. The story isn't half as good as the previous three games but still acceptable. The previous three games also looked better. yes I'm going to go there. I know it was being designed to appear on the 64 and that's why it looks like polygon diarrhea but I can't get over a game having bobble heads for characters. Another part of this might be that the ambiguity of the ending was one of the best parts until subsequent games and movies erased it by showing me what did happen. It could be I'm just bitter at how this game marked a dark age for final fantasy that didn't end for three games, but I single out 7 because it gets the most praise of almost any rpg. It's not just that it doesn't compare as a final fantasy, it doesn't compare as an rpg. Older games and others released aroudn the same time then it look and play superior with better stories including: breath of fire 1, 2, and 3, chrono trigger, suikoden, phantasy star 3, secret of mana, bahumat lagoon, shining force, and lufia 2 just to name some.

This one annoys me because it takes a great concept and just shits all over it. A game about being a ninja assassin could have been a blast, if it were actually about that. despite deceptively giving you a target on some levels this is an action platformer with some vague stealth to it. The stealth is shit as you can sometimes stand right beside enemies in sight and they won't see you. also if they see you and you disappear somewhere they forget about you quickly (at least in the first 3 i didn't play the others). The story always starts out teasing you with the possibility that this could be a game consistently about being an assassin, until it quickly dissolves in to banal supernatural shit storm of nonsense every time. This is one game that would benefit from having no story at all. I can't even believe the creators of bushido blade made this shit.

that's all that occurs to me just now. I'll make a list of games reviewers hated that were excellent later perhaps.
Uploaded 03/02/2011
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