1. I once got a shit load of habanero juice in my eye. I went to the chemistry lab to use the eye wash, but was told I couldnt because "It kinda makes a mess."

2. One time four cancer docs thought I had leukimia and would die within a few years. One cancer doc figured it was nothing, just some MENINGITIS. I never knew until my charming mother told me last thanksgiving.

3. I once hit a tree on a four wheeler at 30 mph, except I was 10 feet off the ground. Hello, concussion! How are you?

4. At a theme park I saw a girl with six nipples, three on each breast.

5.  I was the top 8th grade speller in Michigan a 8 years ago. I would've been top speller period, except for one word: Gazpacho, a cold tomato soup. To this day I don't know if I'm spelling it right.

6. I played bingo at a retirement home with several old women. The top prize was a candy bar. I lost, but I switched the old ladies' markers when they weren't looking. After all, if I don't get a candy bar, no one does.

7.  I once logged 120 hours in a Final Fantasy game before I realized I was at the biggest party school in Michigan.

8. I carried around a tape recorder playing the Jurassic Park theme for a week. It was MY theme, bitch.

9.  I am the world's most hardcore volleyball player. Not only do I beat my chest, call myself Ben Wallace, salute the other team, scream my team name, or attempt backflips as I swear obscenities, I will also spike the ball. On your fucking goddamn face.

10.  I once built a 9 foot potato cannon. Unfortunately, my hands-on skills are not very good, and it was never finished. My math skills however, are very good, and by taking into account the amount of pressure built under ignition, I have concluded that it will not only fire a potato into orbit, but also to Alpha Centauri. After consulting my math proffesor, I was told that 24 psi does, in fact, not equal 200 million miles per hour of potato. Apparently my math skills are not that great.

11. I not only work at a retail store, I also hold wheelie contests on the display bikes in the back room.

12.  On the topic of my job, a man once ran out of the store stealing something at about 9 p.m. I was told to report to my boss, who would issue me a weapon, then to secure the perimeter. She gave me a broom handle.

13. I have a strange wart-like growth on the back of my elbow. Occasionally, I put on my surgical mask, and play doctor on myself using a pair of scissors. Usually it grows back after a year or so.

14. I once found a lot of gay porn on my roomates computer. Included were the gems "Aaron carter topless," "50 cent's dick," "naked gay threesome," and "naked gay rape." I searched his computer for lesbian porn, since he would be dumb enough to put in the word gay instead of lesbian. No results.

15.  I own a horse who is enamored with eating wood (thats what she said). Everyday for at least a month I would have to drive to the lumber yard to get a few 1x6s in 10 foot lengths. THat goddamn horse ate right through them.

16.  I prefer to get wasted by myself, then to hang around in lobbies of hotels. While there, not only do I play guitar and sing to people for skittles, I also tend to climb over desks and attempt backflips. I normally have the girls in the lobby eating out of the palm of my hand by the time I break out the backflip. And by eating out of my hand I mean calling the police after I expose myself to them.

17.  I do not only want to break into a jewelry store, I also want to litter the place up with webbing and apples.

18. I have dressed up as Michael Jackson for Halloween at my job. I moonwalked around the store for 6 hours while snapping the fingers on my one gloved hand. After answering the phone with "Shimoney!" three times, my boss told me that Michael Jackson did not fit into our store image. I called her a racist, and out of gratitude for shedding light into her soul she gave me a 3 month vacation from work.

19.  I wore only Khaki pants for three years straight. Then I learned that only gay guys wear khaki pants. Now I only wear them 5 times a week.

20.  The horn on my truck plays "La cuca racha" at damn near 120 decibels. As loud as a jet engine. I played it for a police officer while being pulled over. At 3 am. He liked it so much he arrested me for disturbing the peace.

21.  I once had a blind sheep living on the farm. His name was 12, since my afore-mentioned charming mother decided he didn't deserve a name. One day one of the horses mistook 12's ear for a sugar cube. 12 died soon after. When I asked what to do with the body, I was told to "just throw it over the hill." Fast forward three weeks: It's my graduation party. My dog runs away, and shows up an hour later. Throws up all over the porch and all over the guest's feet. Apparently rotting sheep meat isn't good for your digestive system.

Enjoy.