Whilst peeling a carrot into the open, drooling mouth of a comatose hobo, I witnessed my future in the alcohol-induced glazing of his bloodshot eyes. In my future I would become a paraplegic transsexual Nazi who works in a broccoli farm in West Sussex. So I ran home in a desperate bid to avert this disastrous future and barricaded myself inside my house. There, I stapled the mattress to the wall and climbed inside my washing machine. Whilst trying to maneuver myself into a comfortable position, I tippled over the washing machine, accidentally switching on the spin cycle. The sheer speed inadvertently sent me forwards in time into the year 2034, coincidentally meeting my future, Nazi, transsexual, paraplegic self. I was also wearing a turban, but I had no idea why. So, in order to rid the world of this abomination which I had become, I went to a golf course and collected all of the stray balls that were lying around. I then proceeded to insert them, one by one, into my rectal cavity. Then, I eagerly waited for my future self to finish the shift at the broccoli farm. Once I was confronted my me/him/it, I immediately lay down on the floor and put my legs on either side of my head. I then forced as hard as I could so the golf balls flew out of my sphincter in the style of a high-powered machine gun. This ultimately killed my future self, ridding the world of that disastrous blemish on mankind. I also put those stray golf balls to good use. But, my victory came with a downfall and I now live my life in a time-warped limbo. Living off the bits of food I can find in dust bins and earning money by busking, doing the 'running man' dance move to the cheesy music that is played in piss and graffiti riddled subways, hoping strangers will throw coins on the piece of tissue paper I have laid down in front of me.