Monday night I came home from being out of town and when I opened the door to my apartment I saw basically what I expected…a mess! I knew it would be there because I have one room mate (Special K) who’s a bitter and angry person who suddenly decided that cleaning up after himself was too generous and from now on he’s “gonna be selfish”, ironically he thinks that’s a deviation from his usual attitude towards life. Also I have another roommate (Doctor D.) who’s simply too disgusting to clean up after himself. He’s one of those people that look at a messy room where everything’s out of place and see a clean tidy area. As long as there isn’t a dead, rotting corpse in the middle of the apartment Dr. D thinks its clean.

So maybe I shouldn’t be angry about the mess I came home to? What did I expect, right? Well, I hear you, trust me I do but the thing is I cleaned up the place pretty well before I left, cant we get a little preservation around here?

Anyways, let me get to the main point here. When I came home, I was tired and had to take a massive doo doo, so I laid my bags down, took off my shoes and headed for my bathroom, the one I share with Dr. D (Special K has his own cause he’s kind of a princess, I figured I’d let him have it instead of listening to his girly crying). So I walk into the bathroom and what do I see…number 1 on my list of things I hate….

1. Pubes and pee on the toilet seat - OK, let this soak in for a second, pubic hairs and urine on the toilet seat.

Dr. D is the only other person who uses that bathroom, thats number one. 2, I know I didnt leave pubes and urine behind when I left and 3, why are there at least 12 different pubic hairs of varying length on the very front of the seat, exactly where one’s “special area” would rest?

There’s only two possible scenarios for this many pubic hairs to be on the seat. Either he sat down and was playing with himself and/or pubic hairs and in one sitting left behind enough fibers to knit a very thick sweater. Or the collection of hairs is the accumulation of several visits to the bathroom in which only one or two hairs were dropped at a time, which means the good Doctor was witness to his little gifts on the toilet seat and sat back down on it, resting his junk on his own filth multiple times. Also being that he’s a man (as far as I can tell) he would have had moments in between sitting on the seat in which he was standing in front of the toilet to pee (as evidenced by the numerous piss stains) where he had to have seen all the hairs laying on the seat but did nothing to remove them. (Seriously I should be a crime scene investigator.)

As far as the piss goes, also extremely nasty. How do you piss all over the seat and then sit down on the seat before cleaning it up, aren’t you afraid of bacteria, rashes, something!? Ladies and gentlemen, Dr.D isn’t just his nick name, this man actually is a medical doctor, he knows things about bacteria and urine that would terrify you into never leaving home again and still he’s comfortable with this level of dirtiness!

Honestly I lost my desire to poop after that sight which is hard to do because once my body is compelled to defecate thats a firm decision and its nearly impossible to derail those plans. Instead I grabbed some bleach, Lysol, steel wool and some other cleaning supplies and started the sterilization process, my only regret is not owning a sand blaster. You know what the irony is? This morning I woke up to find 4 brand new, curly black pubes sitting on my toilet seat and a fresh coat of piss. I’m gonna start walking around the house in this