This is how you know....

There are certain moments in life that define abstract concepts like inborn intelligence, camaraderie, irony, or true love better than Meriam-Webster ever could.  In those moments, we gain a better grasp of the tricky little bitch called human nature and realize that there are some things that a written statement of meaning cannot cover.  Sometimes the best elucidations can only be served up by the small epiphanies that lurk in every day life.  You may be able to define the above mentioned terms, but it is not until you experience them that you can truly know them.  This is how you know:



I told my 4 year old a story about when she was an infant.  She asked why she was unable to recall the event and, being the type to give a mile long answer to a millimeter question, I explained that the hippocampus in the brain is responsible for recollection and that it isn't developed enough in infants to retain memories.  A few days later, the kid got into the potato chips without asking.  She had been sent to "time out" twice the day before for this action.  When I said,  "Meadow, don't you remember that you got in trouble for that yesterday?  Why would you want to get in trouble for the same thing again?", her reply was, "Well, I guess my hippocampus just isn't big enough yet."  This is how you know.



While walking down the boardwalk in Seaside Heights, NJ, I saw two women, arms linked around each other's shoulders.  They got halfway down the boardwalk, went to the edge, grabbed each other's pony tails, and vomited simultaneously.  Neither one emerged with puke in her hair.  This is how you know.



After I had my second kid, I fell into a frumpy funk.  Seeing this, my friend Des decided that a night on the town was just what the doctor ordered.  Unfortunately, the doctor also ordered Des about 8 Jagerbombs.  At the suggestion of The Fate Worse Than Death, we left the comfort and smoke of the bar to head to the friendly local strip club.  Just as we were walking through the door, Des tripped, and in her flailing, grabbed my shirt for balance, pulling it down.  This angered the extremely decrepit and hideous madam of the joint and she let loose on us, threatening shotguns and ass whompings.  We were told in no uncertain terms to GTFO, especially after The Fate asked her if she needed a cock in her mouth.  In short, I got banned for life from a strip club for showing my tits.  This is how you know.



My sister was adopted from Thailand when she was 11 years old.  She existed on a diet of white rice and dirty water in the orphanage.  Years of nutritional deprivation have wreaked havoc on her digestive abilities.  In retrospect, she should have known it was a poor choice to eat a huge plate of greasy chicken marsala on a first date.  The ride home on the Garden State Parkway was typical.  5 lanes of bumper to bumper traffic on  a Friday night.  The drive from Edison to Freehold proved to be too long for my poor sister's digestive tract and I'm sure the plastic bag she found in the car could only be explained as a miracle from heaven.  But love presents itself in odd ways.  The young man from the date is now her husband.  They are happy and expecting their second daughter any day now.  As for the car, it was sold not long after the first date.  This is how you know.

I'm Sheza and now you know too.

Uploaded 08/28/2009
  • 0 Favorites
  • Flag
  • Stumble
  • Pin It