Toyota Save us from Self Mutilation

People who know me well enough are probably aware that I a have a short temper and very little patience for even the most insignificant irritations and inconveniences that occur in everyday life. Alliteration aside, I am sure even those with the most relaxed personalities can empathize with me when I describe the kind of blood boiling, hormonic rage that surges through my system whenever that disasterpiece known as the “Saved by Zero” commercial enters my television and temporarily impairs my auditory and visual senses. Never could I have imagined the possibility of having an entire outlook on life ruined by a 30 second advertisement, but you’ve managed to pull it off Toyota.

You have all undoubtedly witnessed and/or listened this horrid creation of Satan, but in case you’ve been living under a fucking rock for the past 3 months, this is what I’m referring to:

I cannot remember the first time this nightmare entered my consciousness, possibly because through the initial experiences, the commercial was not all that aggravating. It was no different from any other pointless car commercial that flashes ridiculous statistics and financial jargon that make no sense to me, paired with a sub-par jingle based off an awful 80s pop song; so I paid no attention to it at first. But soon, there came a point when the sheer volume at which my mind was becoming so inundated by this pathogen, that it reached a critical overload and caused a cataclysmic meltdown of my central nervous system. A gasket blew, and thoughts of causing bodily harm to myself and those around me began to surface.

I would liken the process to a Tape Worm infestation. This parasitic ad enters the body unnoticed and begins to feed without causing any symptoms to the host at first. Over time it continues eat away at it’s unknowing victim, eventually gaining enough nutrients to reproduce (gain more air time, if you will). As the offspring recirculate into the host’s system, the victim becomes rapidly weakened, experiencing nausea, abdominal pain, and other serious complications. Symptoms associated with being saved by zero include the inability to process rational human thought, uncontrollable, violent and incompetent vocal outbursts, a burning desire to assault innocent golden retrievers, and a significant decrease in hope for mankind.

I can’t say for sure what it is exactly about this commercial that brings up these inexplicable emotions. It could be the out-of-tune singing, that ridiculous dancing red 0%, or the miserable fact that I could recite every line that comes out of that asshole announcer’s mouth. Whatever it is I can’t stand it, and I would rather bear witness to Rosanne singing Nickleback while scratching her nails on a chalkboard, and being violated by an African Bull Elephant in musth.

The irony of all this is that I am currently the embarrassed owner of a Toyota Tocoma. As reliable and low maintenance the truck has been, it will be the last Toyota I ever drive, because someone in marketing thought it would be a good idea to televise this garbage 1,567 times during last week’s Giants game. I have, on multiple occasions after viewing this commercial, pondered the thought of hopping in my Toyota, finding a steep cliff near by, and driving off it. Let’s see if Zero can save me when I finally snap and that thought becomes a reality. Even if I do keep just enough sanity to avoid such an event, there is no way in hell Zero will be able to save me from the aneurysm I am destined for the next time I hear the words “saved” and “zero” uttered in the same sentence.

And what in God’s name is APR financing anyway? I would assume it’s some kind of government ploy to extract more money from American citizens in order to afford new shoes for Sarah Palin’s pet moose. But if Toyota really wants to save me money on something, they should merge with Best Buy. Because the next time I see that stupid red 0 pop up, I am going to launch a coffee table through my television set, and I would sure love to have 0% LOL, OMG, POS, or whatever the fuck it is financing when I need to buy a new one.

I read an article today that made me dry heave. Apparently the zero-percent financing deal was originally set to expire last week, but Toyota has decided it will extend the deal for another month after the company's October U.S. sales fell 23% from last year’s numbers. As a result, this wretched ad will continue to flood our brains for at least another month. Of course Toyota’s marketing department could give a fuck less about the social well-being of its potential customers. In fact, they’re glad that people are annoyed. Ad Campaign/Satanic Cult leader Joe Tetherow stated "I think the fact that it's being talked about is good, because the message is out there." It’s true that you have morons like me bringing attention to your wonderful deals by lambasting your commercial, but at what point in earning your county college marketing degree did you learn that water-boarding your target audience with a 30 second horror movie would result in a positive outcome? You represent all that is evil in the corporate world and I would advise you to hump a metal flag pole during the next thunder storm in your area for the sake of humanity.

There many others who deserve blame besides jackass Joe for this national tragedy, and it is hard to pin-point any individual responsibility. You could make a case for the entire Toyota Corporation, “The Fixx” (the band responsible writing that tympanic torture rack of a song in the first place), the networks and radio stations that have been suckered into circulating the ad over and over, or even ourselves for allowing it to go on for so long. But after many agonizingly long, sleepless nights, I have come to the conclusion that there is in fact one man responsible for this prerequisite to Armageddon. George W. Bush. That’s right, the man who’s sole claim to fame is the fact that he is the first U.S. President born with an extra 21st chromosome. I don’t want to go off on a political tangent, but clearly as the leader of this nation for the past 8 gut-wrenching years, this ass-clown has had a huge hand in putting us in an economic down turn the likes of which we have not seen in ages. As a result, American citizens have stopped buying cars, and companies like Toyota have been forced into desperate measures to keep their businesses afloat. Obviously in hopes to keep from Freddie Macin’ it, Toyota had no choice but to offer buyers this fantastic bargain. And to really drive the point home, they devised a scheme to create the most annoying advertisement possible in attempt to brainwash Americans, filling our heads with nothing but thoughts of Toyota, eventually leading to the unnecessary purchase of a car.

Had Bush, the incompetent bastard, never set foot in the Oval Office, it’s possible that this financial crisis could have been completely avoided, and Toyota would not have been forced to make my life more miserable than it already is. It is almost amusing how one man could have such a profound effect on everything unsatisfactory in present day America, almost. Fortunately, in 67 days this bag of dog shit will be disposed of, and the world can begin to heal. It certainly won’t be a quick fix though, this man has left behind more devastation than Hurricane Katrina. But I think the best place to start would be to give Americans back their dignity. So President-Elect Obama, as you prepare for the largest clean up project since Exxon Valdez, please make it a priority to eradicate that ear piercing, retina searing, life draining poltergeist of a commercial from our society. Because above all, I believe that is the change we need.

Uploaded 11/24/2008
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