trying to get laid...

So, this guy moves in next door, but he's renting out the extra room that the guy next door had put up for rent.  He looked kinda shady, with his Kanga golfer's hat and his line beard, like some wigger punk.  I wasn't one to judge, especially because his girlfriend wasn't too bad. 

So one Saturday night I invite his ass over to my fire out back.  He eventually comes out with his girlfriend, but he was acting really weird the whole time.  He was twirling his hands over top the fire, like he was playing with the smoke or something.  Eventually they both went back inside.  He came back out and suggested going to the store to get some beer and stuff.  He needed around 20 bucks to do this.  I only had 15, so I gave that to him and he was off.

A half hour later he came back, but he didn't come right out to the backyard.  Eventually he came out and eventually offered me a beer.  So, I accepted his awful bud light, but he went back inside for another fifteen minutes.  At this point it was 4 in the morning and I had been drinking all night.  I eventually poured the rice beer out on the grass.  He came back outside with his beer, and after five minutes or so, he asked me, "So, let me ask you a question, man:  when was the last time you got laid?"   Astounded by such a strange question from someone I don't even know that well, I responded frankly, "Well, it's been a while I guess."  He says he's got some hot chicks who he knows down near campus who would really like to hang out with us.  Well, it's four in the morning, and everyone left my house.  What the hell!

So he says he can drive.  But wait, he has no car...  We get to the front and he asks for the keys.  Fuck that shit.  I'm driving my own goddamned car.  We climb in, and he still has half a beer he's working on.  I stop the car and look at him.  "Uh, you should probably take care of that before we leave, huh?"  So he opens the door and leaves it on my lawn.

He tells me to drive all the way downtown towards campus, and then the bullshit starts.  He says, "So, I figure we could both give 'em $50 each, that way they get at least 100 out of it, right?"  I think, what the fuck?  Hookers?  Is that what we're dealing with?  Well, I'm all the way out here now, and it's 5 in the morning - I'm not thinking clearly.  He gets me to stop at an ATM for $40, because I'm not giving 'em 50. 

He tells me to go ahead and park behind the Taco Bell.  I think, what the fuck?  Behind the Taco Bell?  And then he's gonna go tell them to come out and get into my car?  I thought we were going to their place.  BTW, I never do shit like this, but it was 5am on Saturday night.  I told him, "I'm not parking at the Taco Bell.  Where the hell do these people live?" 

He takes me to some shady apartments behind some fast food joints.  I park and he gets out.  I'm going nuts because I don't know what the fuck is going on.  If some fuckin' cop came up to me and asked what the hell I was doing there, what was I supposed to say?  "Yes, sir, uh, we're waiting on some friends.  My buddy will be right back."

Eventually this dude comes crawling back and says that the girls are "getting ready" and will meet us back at my place.  He's got me pretty well convinced with how hot these girls are apparently.  My question is, why the hell do they live in shady grove apartments?  So we drive back home, and I go inside.  Not before, he suddenly realizes that he left something in the front seat.  I can't see it, but it's small and he puts it back in his pocket.  I'm freaking out because I have no idea what the fuck is going on.  He comes over and says the girls are almost there.  What if these girls are not hot at all and I tell them to go home?  I'm not even going to get laid, I just wanted to have some fun.  Who the fuck am I dealing with? This guy has a nice girlfriend and he's messing around with hookers?  That was the least of my problems - that's his business.  Who the fuck is coming over to my house goddammit?

I get tired of waiting around, so I go to bed.  He finally comes back over while I'm in my night clothes, and when I tell him that I'm out, he looks all upset and stuff.  I have some really weird dreams because of all this shit going on, and I barely sleep.

I wake up the next morning, and laying there thinking about what just happened last night and what I was getting myself into, it dawned on me.  Everything suddenly made sense.  This guy wasn't buying ass, he was buying crack, and he got my ass to drive him out there, give him some money, and he gave me a pretty good fucking story to go along with it. 

So I go tell the other neighbor the whole story, and he could tell where it was going near the middle.  We got the guy who the crack head was renting from over.  I started telling this guy the story, and he stopped me.  "Wait, did he want you to park at the Taco Bell?  Shit, he wanted me to drive his ass down there, but I said no way!"

Uploaded 03/11/2010
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