Unforgettable Toys of the 1990s

Back in the 90s, when it was possible to buy an action figure for less than $15, the toy collecting scene was active and vibrant. One time in highschool I had to duke it out with some 3rd grader at a Target because he was about to snatch up the last Boba Fett half-circle-on-back-of-hand variant. But I digress. Heres a quick rundown on some of the best (and worst) toys from the era.

1. Mutagen Man (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)


Mutagen Man is a bunch of guts in a fishtank with arms and legs attached. The best part is that can  you can unscrew the cap on his head and fill the tank up with water. Then, 20 years later when you dig your old crap out of moms basement, crack him open and sip on some of the finest toy-aged moonshine you ever tasted.

2. Mean Weener (Food Fighters)


Mean Weener is one of the classic toys to come out of the crypto-homosexual era of Mattel in the late 80s/ early 90s. Young toy designers were initiated via rituals such as The Mean Weener, which is symbolically diagrammed by the toy.

3. Angela: no panties variant (Spawn).


This rare item was pulled from Toys R Us shelves, and with good reason. What an obscene and disgusting toy, robbing one of the most complex characters in Western literary canon of her panties. I dont care if the sculpt omits her engorged vulva and glistening labia and proudly erect clitoris begging to be tickled by the spear launcher she comes with, this figure is a pornographic abomination.

4. Two flat Lego pieces of equal size stuck together


This toy is fun because it presents a challenge. Pry at it with a paper clip. Bite it. Get your great grandfather to help by picking the edges with his long yellow fingernails before he gives up and says [in a Bulgarian accent]  It does not mean to come off... Then listen to him rattle on about how the KGB wanted to kill him with a ricin-tipped umbrella. Legos are cool.

5. Iceman (X-men, Toybiz, line 2)


Pro: He changes color in the freezer, which is good if you like playing with your toys inside of a freezer.
Con: Not really ice, so he wont keep your Pepsi cold.
Con: This figure is see-through, so you cant hide behind it when your dad is on one of his angry benders.
Pro: His right hand is shaped for holding weapons sold separately.

6. Bionic Carrot (????)


I don't know anything about this toy, but it's still pretty cool. Ages 42 and up.

7. Chef Boyardee X-men


These suck. I tried playing with them but they immediately fell apart and made a huge mess. They don't look or taste anything like the characters they are supposed to be. As Teddy Roosevelt famously said, "I could carve a better [X-men figure] out of a banana." This was obviously made for stupid babies who cant play with plastic toys without choking on them.

Uploaded 08/21/2012
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