Movies and violence go together like college degrees in theater and unemployment. The most popular movies usually have the craziest, most titillating battle sequences, but every so often a movie pushes the limits of reality so far that it becomes ri-goddamn-diculous. Here are some battle tactics that would never work in real life:
1. Xenia Onatopp Scissors Men to Death (Goldeneye, 1995)
"The jokes on you, I have herpes!"
THE TACTIC: Using your God-given good looks to seduce your victims is an excellent idea that has worked before (see Ted Bundy). Xenia Onatopp utilizes this tactic, luring Canadian admiral Chuck Farrel onto a yacht where she crushes him to death with her legs in the middle of intercourse.
THE PROBLEM: Legs on her slight figure couldn't choke a full-grown admiral, even if he was Canadian.
2. Kevin McCallister Fends off Burglars (Home Alone, 1990)
THE TACTIC: Using house-hold items, Kevin McCallister turns his house into a death trap and successfully defends his home from two bumbling burglars.
THE PROBLEM: You mean to tell me that two hardened criminals couldn't take on a snot-nosed eight-year old? I'm pretty sure after they slipped on the icy porch and burned their hands on the doorknob, they would proceed to bash in the front door and murder Kevin. It would be a cold Christmas at the McCallister house.
3. Fat Kid Rolls Down Stairs into Pirates (Hook,1991)
THE TACTIC: Thud Butt (the morbidly obese Lost Boy) throws himself down a flight of stairs, knocking three pirates down like bowling pins.
THE PROBLEM: Keep in mind he rolls down--not a ramp--but a FLIGHT OF STAIRS. Can you say paralyzed from the waist down? If I tried this tactic in real life, I'd be writing this blog by blowing into a straw.
4. Ewoks Defeat Stormtroopers (Return of the Jedi, 1983)
THE TACTIC: The Ewoks use sticks and rocks to fend off an army of Stormtroopers armed with laser rifles and AT-ATs.
THE PROBLEM: Historically, that is not how battles like that turn out. Technologically advanced armies have faced undeveloped civilizations in battle at various points in history, which the military complex has termed "cake walk". Highly-trained, elite, imperial soldiers would crush those Ewoks into Ewok paste.
6. Rocky Switches His Boxing Stance (Rocky II, 1979)
THE TACTIC: Rocky Balboa switches to southpaw in order to confuse Apollo Creed. After 15 rounds of Rocky getting punched directly in the face, Rocky turns it around and defeats Apollo.
THE PROBLEM: While switching boxing stances is a pretty solid tactic, after getting your skull pounded for 10 rounds, you would be too dizzy to switch to anything but your back. You know whats a better tactic? Putting up some defense and not taking 100 haymakers to the dome.