Vanity Was His Objective, Now He's a Freak.
One hot summers day, Sean
De La Fuente was busy applying
baby oil to his freshly-shaven torso, in a vain attempt to look like his idol -
Marvin Humes from pop band JLS.
The generous
amounts of baby oil that he had squirted over his naked body had formed a large
puddle by his feet, and as Sean went to walk out of the bathroom, he slipped
and did a full 360 spin in mid air, landing square on his bathroom sink faucet,
which lodged inside Sean's brown starfish. As a result of his cheap, ill-fitted
council house sink being too weak to support Sean's 14 stone frame, it came
away from the wall, causing Sean to fall to one side. This inadvertently turned
on the faucet, making gallons of water blast up inside his sphincter. As Sean
slowly filled up like a human water-balloon, he eventually was seen by his
estranged uncle Dominic, who was too busy visiting
websites to see what can be done to an Octopus using nothing but a large jar of
German Frankfurter hotdogs in order to notice the horrific accident unfolding
any earlier.
Uncle Dominic
dragged Sean away from the sink until his bum dislodged away from the faucet
and he flopped on the floor, making the sound of the 40 gallons of water swish
around inside his stomach. As Sean wasn't breathing, simple Uncle Dom resorted
to CPR, which he had no clue how to perform. So, Uncle Dom stamped down on
Sean's stomach - making the 182 litres of water forcibly blast out of Sean's
faucet-stretched anus.
The sheer force of
the blast made Sean achieve flight, and so he smashed through the bathroom
window, followed by a trail of frothy, brown water. Sean eventually landed in
the local dogging site a few metres away from his house. He was rendered
unconscious by the thud he made to the ground, but he did not gain any other
injuries because the impact was softened by a small rose bush that he has
landed on.
As Sean awoke, he
was horrified to find that his entrails were hanging out of his rear end. So,
Sean gathered his steaming pile of exposed guts in his arms and proceeded to
make his way out of the forestry where he had landed. Unfortunately, a stray
dog was nearby, licking the semen out of the discarded condoms which littered
the floor. Sean hoped that the malnourished mongrel would not smell the scent
of Sean's guts, but it did. Sean froze in horror as the dog came charging
towards him and latched its jaws on Sean's intestines. As it chewed on them
like a string of fresh butchers sausages, Sean wasted no time in screaming for
help. His cries were eventually herd by one of the many Community Support
Officers that roamed the excessively violent and corrupt area. To Sean's utter
dismay, the Community Support Officer totally disregarded the dog slowly
devouring Sean's entrails and instead chose to lecture Sean on the dangers of
being lay in a local dogging site, naked and covered in baby oil.
Eventually Sean
passed out because of the excruciating pain of having his pancreas and lower
intestines eaten by a ravenous mongrel, prompting the Community Support Officer
to call an ambulance.
Sean awoke in a
hospital bed 8 days later. It turned out that Sean's innards had been replaced
by that of the mongrel which had eaten them in a pioneering new organ
transplant surgery method, which has cut down on the pressure of organ donation
to the NHS.
Sean now spends his
days sniffing the rear-ends of other individuals and urinating up lamp posts.
Right now he is busy humping my leg as I type this heartfelt wall post.
Please donate to
the animal-human organ transplant charity in order to ensure that this
pioneering new experimental surgery persists in order to ensure the well-being
of our loved ones.
For Sean x
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