Okay, this might be a long blog, but there is a whole lot of funny stuff in here about penises, so if you bear with it you'll probably laugh a bit about one of humanity's favorite subjects. On the other hand, if you don't like sex blogs then piss off, don't read it, and I suggest a kindly “shut the fuck up” in advance before you say -whine- It was too long!

For one thing I decided a while ago that I wanted to write a penis blog after dinglebobby wrote his “girls and big ding dongs” blog. Something Kaustic noted was only mildly accurate at best. There several claims were made, including:

I.) If a girl says she likes big dick then she must be “as loose as a sock with no elastic.”
II.) “The average vagina is only about 4 inches deep...there is only feelings in the first 2.”
III.) “So in all fareness, if your dick is 5 inches long on hard, then you're plenty enough man to get the job done on a girl that isn't a whore.”

But is the penis size a big deal? Apparently a lot of men think so. In the 1990's there was an epidemic of “koro” in japan. Koro is a psychological phenomenon that causes men to (falsely) believe their penis is shrinking. All throughout the country, men were going into hospitals and begging doctors to “fix” this imagined problem. Some would (obvious joke) take matter into their own hands, trying to attach weights or have their friends pull on their penis to keep it from shrinking. The government had to go so far as to take out public service ads. Those I would have loved to see. “Attention public! Your penises are not shrinking; in fact they are as big as ever. Enjoy your sexual bigness! That is all.”

In fact, in classic Japanese fashion they spoofed the incident in an erotic anime television series called “Marine-A-Go-Go”, where a sexy but really dumb high school girl with really big tits had to collect sperm from the last few virile men in Japan to secure the nation's future.

But episodes continue to this day. In April of 2008 Reuters reported that in the Congo the government was forced to intervene when angry citizens were lynching witch-doctors under the suspicion that they had been putting curses on people that stole their penises.

Rumors of penis theft began circulating last week in Kinshasa...They quickly dominated radio call-in shows, with listeners advised to beware of fellow passengers in communal taxis wearing gold rings...Some Kinshasa residents accuse a separatist sect from nearby Bas-Congo province of being behind the witchcraft in revenge for a recent government crackdown on its members..."It's real. Just yesterday here, there was a man who was a victim. We saw. What was left was tiny," said 29-year-old Alain Kalala, who sells phone credits near a Kinshasa police station.

Purported victims, 14 of whom were also detained by police, claimed that sorcerers simply touched them to make their genitals shrink or disappear, in what some residents said was an attempt to extort cash with the promise of a cure...Police arrested the accused sorcerers and their victims in an effort to avoid the sort of bloodshed seen in Ghana a decade ago, when 12 suspected penis snatchers were beaten to death by angry mobs. The 27 men have since been released.

So I think it can be safe to say that even in this day, size does matter...but for what reason? That's another story.

Sir Richard Francis Burton is credited as being one of the greatest explorers who ever lived and the first white man to have seen Mecca. He is also the man responsible for introducing one of the most misappropriated books in the world, the Kama Sutra. Burton was possibly the first person to translate it, and even there it gets into the fact that there are three basic “sizes” to men and to women. Women with smaller than average vaginas ate referred to as “deer women”, average would be “mare women”, and larger than average are “elephant women.” Men had three size categories, too. Rabbit, goat, and horse. Obviously, the best matches are that you want to match small with small, large with large, and so on. Several of the positions that the book is famous for make up for these differences. But chapter 2 of part VII actually points out that if you have a mismatched couple, all is not lost. Even if your love is such a complete mis-match that the suggested positions fail, they offer techniques and potions for altering the size of vaginas and penises to accommodate just about everyone.

So I guess people have known about these differences for a while. But what is a penis, anyway? Many men will be horrified to learn this, but a penis is actually a vagina.

Biology 101 here. At least it's a fun topic, eh? When a zygote is formed in the womb it does not start out as “automatically” male or female. It's just cells. And the cells are set to “default” as a female. Unless there is a level of testosterone that is reached inside the womb, the life growing there stays female. But if there are testes present (instead of ovaries) then the genitals change from female to male.

First of all, the clitoris enlarges (a lot) and engulfs the urethra. That becomes the penis. However, for any guy that still doubts they used to have a vagina, touch the underside of your penis just under the opening at the tip. That bit of skin is called the meatus. There is a “scar” that runs from there (sometimes it's more obvious in certain places on the penis than others) all the way between the testes. That ridge is called the raphe, and it's where your vaginal opening used to be.

But back to size. Numerous researchers have managed to dispel a lot of common myths about penis size. Groups like Masters and Johnson Labs and the Kinsey Institute took (and still take) a LOT of measurements to provide actual quantitative data about the human body. So let's go back to that list that dinglebobby gave us in the beginning.

I.) If a girl says she likes big dick then she must be “as loose as a sock with no elastic.”

...Well...more on this later. That's not exactly “quantitative”, is it?

II.) “The average vagina is only about 4 inches deep...there is only feelings in the first 2.”

This is a complete myth. Ask any woman who has had to have a scratch biopsy of her cervix and she'll tell you it fucking hurts. Vaginas can vary widely in depth and width. It is not unlikely to find a vagina that's 2 inches deep. It's also not unlikely to find one that's 13 inches deep. (Both are actual study measurements.) But on top of that, vaginas have an amazing property because they are surrounded with muscle tissue and can heal very quickly...they can stretch incredible amounts. Honestly. How else do you think a girl with a inch-wide hole in her body fits a baby through it. Get real. And vaginal “tightness” has much more to do with the conditions the muscles are in that how deep or wide the woman is in the first place. A woman that does her Kegel exercises knows this.

III.) “So in all fareness, if your dick is 5 inches long on hard, then you're plenty enough man to get the job done on a girl that isn't a whore.”

Interesting that he chose “5” because that's the low end of average. 5 to 7 inches is average for just about all males. Sure, there are lots of males that try to con people into believing they are bigger, but lets be honest, to the average person without a ruler, can you really spot the difference between something that is 7 inches and something that is 9? Probably not. Or you might feel kind and want to give the benefit of the doubt. Or you might just want to make the guy who's obviously got a complex just delude himself so he feels better. Whatever.

“Hey”, chime in a bunch of people, “What about the racial thing. You know. How all black men are hung and how all Asians are small.” And there's lots of different claims. I'm sure lots of different ethnic groups want you to believe that Greek men or Italian Men or French men have the biggest penises. But what does the data say? In clinical studies, the difference in averages is (drum roll please) half an inch. Yup. That's it. If you were with a huge guy of one ethnic background or another, face it, you just got lucky is all. In measurements taken from random samples all over the USA, the average mean difference racially was only plus-or-minus one half inch.

Which at worst means that “huge” nine inch black guy probably has an eight inch Chinese counterpart. Not much real difference at all.

But what about the REALLY big guys? Huh? The ones who are legendary. Like John Holmes. Right? “The Legend” claimed a foot long penis that other, later admirers claimed was 13 inches. Is that really that big? Well...not really. It's definitely above average, but hardly amazing. More contemporary actors like Lexington Steele and Mandingo claimed 14 inch penises, but upon closer inspection their status was downgraded to around 11 inches. Once again, who actually notices most of this until you pull out a ruler?

Rolling Stone had an article a few months back about a guy they claimed they found who was the “biggest in the world.” A 13 incher who lived in England and claimed he didn't really want any publicity. Well if he didn't then why did he agree to a Rolling Stone interview? Then there's the guy who they call “The Brick”, Mukhtar Safarov. He has a “modest” 9 inches, but has the claim to fame that he's a whopping 9 inches around. True, but hardly genetics. Safarov just had a procedure that injects fat cells from the thighs into the skin surrounding the penis. Which, by the way, is a very commonly requested cosmetic procedure; but doctors note it's requested more by women for men than by men requesting it for themselves.

But then there are the truly amazing tales of penis. Guys like Long Dong Silver and his contemporaries like Jaguar and Gigantua, all who sport massive 21 inch boners. And I chose the word boner here specifically over penis because it's been noted in each of those cases that the object in question was more “latex” than “meat.”

However, there are two on the record books that might make it into the Priapus Hall of Fame. One was a guy that film-makers in the 1970's introduced to try to top the sales Long Dong Silver was getting. Ironically, even though the pornstar named Moby Dick did have an actual 19 inch penis, he never sold a lot of film because people just couldn't believe a white man could have a snake like that in his pants. The other was an 18 inch black actor that worked in the 1980's and went by the name Mo Bigsley. Bizarrely, his movies incorporated several “fake” shots. Not to make it seem like he had more than he did, but producers would substitute smaller body doubles so it looked like he could fit inside a woman better. Both make John Holmes seem small in comparison.

So what's the final verdict? Is a big dick important? Is a woman who has a large vagina only capable of enjoying men with big penises? The way I see it, I'm prone to take the advice of a doctor I worked with who specialized in human sexuality.

He said: “Dicks get hard. Vaginas stretch. There has to be one hell of a difference in order for it to make any difference at all, and even then if the people want to they can work it out.”

Makes sense to me. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to finish grilling the sausages I made and have some dinner.