Life of Brian Volume III
Marriage....the final mental frontier.
These are the experiences in the marriage of Jennifer and Brian
Its continuing mission:
To create life and add it as viable addition to civilization
And to boldly annoy the hell out of each other like no one has done before...
Most of you probably do not know how Jennifer and I met. We met on the internet back when Yahoo was just starting up the chat service and the search engine was still in the beta stage. When we both became members before we met there were only about three or four hundred members in the chat area. We met totally by accident when she asked me how to execute some of the HTML commands and we just began to talk. Over the next few months we talked more and more and even talked on the phone some. After about seven or eight months, I had some vacation time that I was going to lose so I decided to drive to Cincinnati to meet her. Now remember, I’m just a hillbilly from the Ozarks in Missouri. I’m wearing a blue polo shirt, a big belt buckle made out of nickels, cowboy boots, and a leather Aussie hat. This is the big city. I felt like Jed Clampett when he moved to Beverly Hills. So here are some tidbits of when Jennifer and I met and some of the people we have been entertained and disturbed by throughout our time together.
The Hotel Key
I drove 14 hours to get to Cincinnati and stayed in a Comfort Inn. Any hotel key I had ever seen was a key that looked like a normal key not one that just had a sort of peg on the end. The lady at the desk handed me the key and told me what room I had and what floor it was on. I looked at the key and said, "This is the key that opens the room?". The lady looked me over again and judging by the look on her face decided that I had probably not encountered a key with a computer chip embedded in it to open the entrance doors and the room and explained the use of it with the tone and speed that you would use on a toddler. The sad part was I really hadn’t seen one like it, only staying in a hotel one time in my life before this time.
Fun In the Tunnel
After meeting at the hotel we decided that we were going to drive around the city and she was going to show me some sites. One of the most memorable was a mile long tunnel. I had never been in a tunnel like this so I thought it was really cool, honking my horn to hear the echo and driving slow to stay in longer. Other drivers were passing me looking pissed off and shaking their fists at me. I just waved back thinking that this was some kind of big city greeting or welcoming behavior. Only after some time did I realize that they were yelling "go home hick!" and "Learn to drive that truck, hillbilly!!". I looked over at Jenn to see how she was reacting to this and found that she had ducked down onto the floor.
Remember how I mentioned how I was dressed? We went to eat at a TGIF which I had never eaten at before. While we were eating I noticed a little kid eating with his family at a table nearby kept staring at me. Finally he got up the courage to ask me if I was a cowboy and did I have a horse! What was I going to tell him with that little wishful face hoping that he had met a real cowboy? I did the only thing any decent human being would do. I lied my ass off. In the thickest southern droll I could muster, I told him about my ranch back home in the south and how I camp out under the stars and ride my horse to work and how I had to leave my six shooters at home with my horse since it wasn’t allowed in the big city. I winked at the parents to let them know how full of shit I was but I think it made the little guy’s day.
A few months later, Jennifer decided that she wanted to move to Missouri with me. I lived in ,ironically, Anderson, Missouri. I drove again to Ohio to bring her back with me. The first house we lived in was owned by a man named "Grizz" He was kind of strange because he routinely wore a kilt. It was even funnier that he also flirted heavily with Jennifer when he would come over for various reasons. She was horrified because he was about 5 foot tall, around 50 years old and had a huge beard. He was fair though, he told us that the house was for sale and if it ever did sell, he would refund our deposit and two months rent. This did happen about six months after we moved there but I’ll talk more about that later.
The Intruding Realtor Fiasco
As I mentioned before our house in Anderson, Missouri was for sale. Once Jennifer and I were having sex (sorry for the visual but it’s integral for the story) and to our horror we hear the front door open which incidentally is only about 3 feet from our bedroom door and a voice yell out, "Realtor!!" My wife then screams at the top of her lungs, "HEY! We are trying to have sex in hear you dumb ass!!" She was so pissed. The realtor ducks back out the door and Jenn was dressed and out the door after him in two seconds. I got dressed considerably slower and went outside to find my wife’s finger in his face chewing him up one side and down the other. She was a pretty scary figure with her hair sticking up in all directions like someone right out of an insane asylum. I have never seen someone look scared, embarrassed, and pissed all at the same time like that guy was. That was priceless. Needless to say after reporting this to Grizz he fired that realtor and used a different one.
You’re in my world now...
My wife grew up in the city so to move to the country like this was quite the culture shock. She had never been around cattle or farm animals. We were driving through the country side one day when she looked out in the fields full of cattle and asked me seriously ,"when cows wag their tails, does that mean that they are happy?" After laughing for a few minutes I explained that they use their tales to keep biting flies off their backs.
One day while driving I was explaining to her about the different breeds of cattle when she asked how I knew how some "cows" were bulls. I told her to look at the belly and the bulls are the ones that have a tuft of hair on their belly and that was the penis. She looked at me kind of funny and said that she thought all bulls looked like the Chicago Bulls logo.
Where I grew up most of the roads are dirt, or red clay rather which dries and packs in the summer sun and gets harder than concrete. You can actually lay a black mark on it by spinning your tires. When it rains however this super hard surface gets slicker than greased owl shit. It’s more fun than snow or ice could possible be. Anyway it had rained and I told her we should go mud running. She looked at me and then at her shoes and said, "I’ve got white shoes on, I’m not running through that shit!!" Another one of those priceless moments...
The Burning Roast Incident
As I mentioned before Grizz sold the house we were living in so we had to find a place fast. We found a place in Gentry, Arkansas. This apartment was actually the first level of an old department store and consisted of 3 really big rooms. One room was the kitchen and dining room which had pink cabinets and bright lime green carpet and to get to the bedroom you had to walk through another really big storage room full of all kinds of junk that the landlord had stored there into the bedroom which was also really big. There were two doors in and out of the place and no windows. It was like living in a dungeon.
One day Jenn decided that she was going to put a roast on for us to eat for supper. She worked nights at McKee Baking Company (Little Debbie’s) and slept during the day while I was at work. She put this roast on in a pan on the stove and turned the heat to about half. During the time she was asleep the roast boiled dry, began to burn and produce huge amounts of smoke. The building looked like it was on fire. Remember the bedroom was pretty far away from the kitchen and it took the smoke a while to get there strong enough to wake her up. During this time the cops in Gentry had seen the smoke and had kicked the door in to make sure that no one was in there and to see if there was in fact a fire. Jennifer woke up, smelled and saw the smoke and instantly knew what happened and ran for the kitchen to turn the stove off. She left the bedroom at a dead run only to be confronted by 4 cops and about half a dozen firemen. Oh did I mention that she sleeps naked? In her haste to get to the kitchen and not expecting anyone else to be in the apartment she ran out naked to be stopped by the aforementioned cops and firemen. Another priceless moment...
And so concludes Volume III – The new Beginning. Volume IV will include such chapters as:
The Strange Neighbors
The Lawnmower Man
The Yard Sale
The Dumpster Divers
Wife Injures Would Be Thief