Dear Professor Genius,
My girlfriend and I got in a big fight last weekend at the bar, and since then she has put up a Hawaiian lei on her rearview mirror. What exactly does this mean? Am I in trouble? - Confused Non-Hawaiian.

Dear CNH,
I don’t know what exactly you are talking about, but I’ll give it a go. You my friend are not in trouble, but it is in fact your girlfriend that is in trouble. She must have recently acquired Rearview Lei Disease (RLD). RLD is a growing problem currently manifested in 3% of America’s population (according to the 2002 census). Before you get concerned, don’t be worried, you won’t get it. RLD is exclusively limited to female members of the species, though there is the possibility that this disease may spread to men. Many women acquire RLD after exposure to Thematic Hawaiian Elements (THEs). THEs are commonly found in party stores, airports, postcards, television programs, dollar stores, and Hawaii. Women typically acquire RLD from THE due to the acute estrogenic response to warm temperatures, plumeria, hibiscus, volcanoes, poi, and surfing. There is no known cure for RLD, however the best treatment for it is removal from THE exposure, an Epsom salt bath, cod liver oil, and the collected works of ABBA. I hope that helps.

Love, Professor Genius

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