I Hate Cats
Cats are ungrateful piles of shit. You pet a cat, what does it do? It puts its asshole in your face and tries to take the flesh off your hand with its disgusting sand-paper tongue. It just looks at you like it looks at insects, while it's torturing them until it gets too bored and walks away, leaving it to die painfully, with no quick relief.
I hate cats. You feed the goddamn thing until it's fat and can barely lift its fat head off the ground to notice you as you walk in to feed it some more so it can stare you like that next time it graces you with its presence.
You know what I do to stop this nuisance? I hire creepy asian people to move into my neighborhood and eat all the cats. And when I'm walking outside and some little girl walks up to me and says "Have you seen THIS cat?" I say "Yeah, last time I saw it, it was right between the creamed corn and green beans on my plate." But I don't eat food that looks like baby vomit, so what I would actually say is "Get away from me you adopted little bed-wetting whore."
Cats are like dogs, minus the intelligence, obedience, loyalty, and soul. "But cats are CUTEE!!". Fuck you. What kind of sadistic fuck cares more about something because of the way it looks? You're probably the kind of evil asshole that stomps on lizards just because they enter your range of vision, you egoccentric prick. What's this game of placing value on living creatures based on their appearance and size? By this logic, you would rather kill a baby than seal, because babies are small and fucking ugly, and seals are big and sexy.
What? I can't call a seal sexy? Would you rather me call the baby sexy? Let's not be hypocrites here. I'm just trying to make a point.
And cats are supposed to be SOO independant. Fine. You don't need my ass, you smelly son of a bitch. Let's see how well you do when I drop you in the fucking woods. My dog came right back home and got a treat, I'll bet your dumb ass starves to death.
I also hear cats don't shit all over the place. They're supposedly very clean. Well I forgave my dog when it used to shit on the carpet. Hell, when I was young I shat on the carpet. I sometimes still do. But I never spent 20 minutes wharfing up a ball of my own hair, that's for damn sure.
So do yourself a favor and drop kick your cat out the fucking window. If it tries to get back inside, light the little fucker on fire.