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Classic jokes go wrong

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A duck walks into a 7-11 and says "Give me some chapstick, put it on my bill!" But the cash register attendee doesn't speak English and cannot understand him. He does, however, question whether his God is punishing him because as all people know, Ducks cannot speak, however, this hallucination must be punishment for a horrid misdeed. The employee breaks down into tears and begins reciting prayer. The duck, slightly miffed, walks out, pondering why he'd need chapstick anyway, since he has no lips.

A priest, a rabbi, and a buddhist monk walk into a bar, sit at the end and start having some drinks. Two hours later, they come out with a better understanding of each other and a mutual respect, the beginnings of a friendship that last a lifetime.


What's the difference between the Pope and Michael Jackson?

The Pope is dead.


A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel stuck to his crotch.

The bartender says, "Hey, you got a wheel stuck to your crotch."

The pirate replies, "Yarr, me ship wrecked in a terrible storm and my testicles swelled with an infection while I was knocked unconscious against the wheel. Can you please call a doctor?"


How many dead babies can you fit in a blender?

The police report indicates three.


So this guy dies right and he goes up to Heaven and when he's at the pearly gates he- oh wait, nevermind, he just rots in the ground.


Man 1: Knock, Knock

Man 2: Who's there?

Man 1: It's me Johnny.

Man 2: Oh, hey man! Come on in, and have a beer.


How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

If you call up Steven Murphy Electrical Contractors on (08) 9284 7281 they can send over a qualified electrician to screw it in for you between 9-6 on any working day, guaranteed to arrive within an hour of your call or you get 50% off!


What do you get when you stick a knife in a baby? A life-sentence in jail.


A white man is driving his Cadillac on a highway in Texas. He notices a black man pushing his bicycle along the side of the road.

He pulls over to talk to the black man and offer him a ride. He says "I can't fit your bike in my car, but I can tie it to the back and let you ride behind me. If I'm going too fast, just yell."

The black man says "No thanks, that sounds pretty risky" and keeps pushing his bike down the road.


Knock knock

knock knock

knock knock

knock knock

knock knock

Shit, I guess nobody is home. I'll try back later.


What do you get when you're gay?

Made fun of.


What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?

A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.


So, there were an Irishman, an Englishman and an American wrecked on an island. One day, they found a bottle, and when they opened it, a ghost came out and offered them each a wish. However, even though they wished for different stuff, nothing happened, as the three guys of varying nationalities were just having shared hallucinations from hunger.


How do you drown a blonde?
Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops struggling.

Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
Repeated absences and stealing.


So a mushroom walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink.

The bartender calls his psychiatrist to report that he is hallucinating again.


A black man is going to get a vasectomy. He shows up to the doctor's office wearing a suit. The doctor says "Why are you wearing a suit?" The black man says "I just got back from a funeral"


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

Because it was just the decomposing remains of a long forgotten murder case in a remote field.


What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

" Would you like an ice pack? "


Jesus is hanging on the cross and John approaches.

John says: "Jesus, its John. How may I serve thee ain thy time of need?"

Jesus replies: "YEEEAAAAAAAARGGHGGGHGGHGGGHGGHGGH!!!!!"


A man spends his first day in prison talking to his cell mate. His cell mate gives him a few tips on surviving maximum security in his first weeks there, and then pauses to look outside the bars of the cell.

"I got an escape plan", says the man's cell mate.

"What is it?"

"Put this blanket over your head, and I'll tell you what to do when the guard comes back."

The man puts the blanket over his head, and his cell mate begins to rape him. Savagely.


A man walks into a bar

He drinks 6 Newcastles, 4 shots of Jack Daniels, hits on the waitress unsuccessfully, takes his wedding ring off, tried again and fails, drinks 3 more shots, drives home, beats his daughter for coming home late, and cries himself to sleep realizing that he hates his life.

 


Patrick and Michael were walking along in a forest, when Patrick falls over and breaks his leg on a tree root.

In agony, Patrick turns to Michael and says "Quick, call me an ambulance!".

Michael replies " Okay I'll just go to that public telephone we saw earlier down the path - I'll be back in five minutes. ".


A duck walks into a bar...

Animal control is promptly called, the duck is then taken to a near by park and released.


Why did the deaf man take his parrot to work?

He was weird.


What's the difference between a post box and a vagina?

A post box is a public container for the deposit of outgoing mail, and a vagina is the passage leading from the opening of the vulva to the cervix of the uterus in female mammals.


Why do Mexicans not like going out in the rain?

It's wet.


A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies:

"I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existance and the extent to which I am now protected by law."


Knock knock

Who's there?

The wallet inspector!

Ditch the jokes and come inside, Tim, it's fucking cold.


A chicken begins crossing the street and is hit by several fast moving metal boxes with wheels.


A Blonde and a Brunette jump off a tall building at the same time. Who hits the ground first?

Both of them hit the ground at the same time. Hair colour doesn't affect acceleration due to gravity.


A man walks into a bar.

He is an alcoholic whose drinking problem is destroying his family.


What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust.


Why was six afraid of seven?

It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.


A man walks into a whorehouse and pays a prostitute for sex. He contracts an STD and passes it onto his pregnant wife. Their child is born deformed and has a difficult life.

When asked if he could see the humor in the situation, the child replied "No. No I don't."


A man called a lawyer and asked, "How much will you charge me to answer three questions?"

The lawyer said "$400."

"Wow," said the man. "Isn't that a lot?"

"I guess so." said the lawyer. "When are you going to ask your questions?"


How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house?

You don't, really, unless you were there to see him or if one of your neighbors saw him. I wouldn't worry about it, really.


Three men are at the FBI Building for a job interview. The interviewing FBI agent tells the first man, 'To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.'

The man takes the gun, hesitates, and says, 'Sorry, I can't do it.'

The next interviewee enters the office and the agent tells him the same thing he told the first guy. The second man takes the gun, walks into the room, and walks out. 'Sorry, I can't.' he says.

The last man enters the office and the inverviewer said yet again explains the test.' The man says "I'm sorry I love my wife too much to do such a harmful thing, I guess the FBI is not for me after all."


A guy walks into a doctors office.

The doctor tells him, "You need an operation".

The guy says, "I want a second opinion."

The doctor says*, "Okay, my colleague, Dr. Saknussem, would be happy to provide you with the appropriate consultation. Here's his address, and I'll have my receptionist call him and schedule an appointment. Please try to see him soon, though. At the moment, I'm concerned about the size and location of this tumor, and I think we should move quickly if we're going to get our best results."


What's sad about 4 black people in a Cadilliac going over a cliff?

They were my friends.


A wealthy businessman is flying to New York for two weeks, and he wants to keep his wife satisfied lest she sleep around. He drives his BMW to the adult store and asks the shop assistant for advice on the most pleasurable sex toys in the store. After being shown all of the options, every dildo and every vibrator, he is still unsatisfied. His eye then catches on a hand carved ivory box which is behind the counter. 'What about that one' he asks. The assistant tells him,

'I'm very sorry sir, but that isn't for sale, it's a very special voodoo dildo.'

'Well what's so special about it?'

'It is a genuine African hand carved dildo. It was given to the owner of the store as a gift. It's really just for show, and it could possibly splinter anyway.'

'Oh ok.'

The man leaves with nothing and heads off to New York. His wife has hot hot threesomes every night because she married for the money. They were girl-girl-guy.


Why did the chicken cross the road?

Earlier that morning the farmers daughter had inadvertantly left the gate to the yard open as she was preoccupied by her worry over a maths test set for that day. She hadn't studied for the test as she was still deeply distressed over her fathers recent heart attack. This, coupled with the added burden of household chores now delegated to her because her mother was out trying to get the west field prepared for sowing, had made her quite forgetful and distacted of late.

Whilst several chickens escaped, only one strayed so far that it actually encountered the road facing the farm. After crossing the road and gorging itself in a soybean crop, the chicken was struck by a furniture removalists van as it attempted to make its way home.

Several hours later the dead chicken was spotted by a Community Mental Health Worker who was doing his bi-weekly rural clinic run. The chicken, being a bantam caught the eye of the Mental Health worker, who was a keen trout fisherman.

"Cool" thought the mental health worker- "those feathers will make for excellent trout flys". He stopped and plucked a handful of the most irridescent blue, green and orange feathers and placed them in an envelope. He rolled himself a cigarette, sat on the trunk of his car and admired the clouds. "God, I love this job", he muttered to no one in particular.


Satan takes the form of Jesus and appears to three priests saying that if they do something evil, he'll let them drink of the holy water.

The three priests discuss the offer and come to the conclusion that Satan must be tricking them into comitting sin. When confronted with this accusation, Satan reveals his dastardly plot and salutes the priests on their cunning and steadfast faith.


Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?

Because she was blind and deaf.


A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use (on the average) only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.

She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.

Looking stunned, he said, "That's hardly true. You just talk to much, which was possibly the point of the study."


The Pope walks into a bar. The bartender says, what'll ya have, Pope? But the Pope's grasp of English is tenuous at best, so he mumbles something in Latin. The bartender doesn't know any Latin. The Pope gets frustrated and leaves.


Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new house?

No.

Well, it's really nice.


Where did Hitler keep his armies?

The brunt of his forces were applied to the Eastern front, but throughout different periods of the war, a sizable chunk were used to protect the Atlantic Wall and a handful of divisions were used in Africa, to secure shipping routes.


An old man marries a younger woman, but cannot satisfy her in the bedroom. They go to counseling and the therapist suggests they take a vacation to somewhere romantic. They do so, but they old man is still unable to satisfy his new wife. He makes a call to the therapsit who recommends the old man hire a pool boy to wave a white towel over them during their love making session. The old man will try anything to please his new bride, so he hires a pool boy for the job, but he still cannot please his young wife, so he calls the the therapist again. This time the therapist says he should wave the flag while the pool boy has a go at the wife. The old man says indignatly, "That's the fucking stupidist idea I have ever heard!" and hangs up. They live out the remainder of his short life miserable and never are intimate again.


A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, I marry older men for their money and then wait until they die. Usually I don't have to have intercourse with them. They have alzheimer's and I just tell them it was the best I ever had."


A kid is riding down the street when his chain pops off his bicycle. The kid yells "God damm!" as he begins to fix it. A priest walking nearby overhears the boy taking god's name in vein and says "Don't say 'God damm' say 'God help us'".

The kid says, "I am an atheist, get away from me".


What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?

A Jew is a person adhering to the Jewish faith and a pizza is an oven-baked, flat, usually circular bread covered with tomato sauce and cheese with optional garnishes.


What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
An embarrassing situation

Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
She was a schizophrenic

How do you confuse a blonde?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her


What's the deal with airline peanuts?

The packaging is generally poorly designed and cheaply made, as a method of cutting distribution costs. After all, most passengers wouldn't want a "Peanut Fee" attached to their already costly ticket prices in order to cover the expenses of higher quality wrappers. What are you complaining about, anyway? It's free food, and it's a nice snack. If you're really that bent on not enjoying the peanuts the airline so graciously provided you with, just save them and give them to the next homeless person you see. People these days are really selfish.


How do you make a swiss roll?

Generally it involves a thin layer of sponge cake and a layer of either jam or cream. The resulting flat cheet of cake and cream is then rolled into a cylinder. It's quite delicious, actually.


"Why aren't there any Mexicans on Star Trek?"

"Well, that's a highly debatable assumption. First, one only sees a small fraction of the Terran population on the show, so there is no reason to assume that any ethnic group is unrepresented in that vision of the future. Secondly, there have been several notable characters played by actors of Hispanic descent. Recently, these include Robert Beltran (Chakotay) and Roxann Dawson (B'Elanna Torres). Interestingly enough, Dawson seems to have changed her last name from Caballero, perhaps in order to reduce the risk of being typecast because of her ethnicity. Star Trek in general seems to be very progressive with respect to using diverse casts, as evidenced by the first interracial kiss on The Original Series, and the introduction of Chekov during the height of the Cold War."


What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
One is of the genus canis, the other is of the genus vulpis


What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag.
One is a famous singer songwriter facing charges of child molestation and the other's a shopping bag.


A penguin is driving through the desert when his car starts making horrible noises. He manages to get the car into a small town before it finally stalls out in the middle of the street. He gets out of the car and, hiking through the hot desert afternoon, sweat pouring down his penguin brow, he locates the town's car repair shop.

"Excuse me, sir," the penguin says as he approaches the mechanic. "My car's broken down a little way down the street. I was hoping you could help me."

The mechanic pauses for a moment, then shakes his head. "No, I can't help you," he says.

"Why not?" asks the penguin.

"Because you're another hallucination, and I have to close the shop down now and take my medication and maybe take a nap so that it can take effect." The mechanic slams the door in the penguin's face.

The penguin, stunned and dismayed, wanders around town for another hour, but he can't find anyone to help him. Unaccustomed to such sweltering, overwhelming heat, and unable to find shelter of any sort from the intense afternoon sun, the pengiun soon succumbs to the heat and dies


Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella around?

In case it should rain.


How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I imagine it would take a great many. Mice would find it difficult to reach a ceiling light fitting, and would individually lack the strength or dexterity required to turn a bulb in such a socket. Even if you had enough mice to lend their strength to such an endeavor, the chances of them having the intelligence and wherewithall to perform suich a complex activity is really quite low.


A blonde girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.

"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.

"I said 'I'LL BE BACK TOMORROW AFTERNOON TO PICK UP MY DRESS'," says the girl, this time louder.


A man walks past a bar and sees a sign which says "PERFORM THE THREE FEATS AND WIN A MILLION DOLLARS!" Thinking that a million dollars sounds like a great idea, he goes inside and asks the bartender what the deal is.

"First," says the bartender, "you have to chug this entire bottle of vodka. Second, there's a crocodile in the back room with a bad tooth. You have to pull it. Third, there's an eighty-five year old woman in the back who's never had sex. You have to have sex with her."

The guy think it over and says "okay, sure. You have a deal!" He grabs the bottle of vodka and, with little effort due to the fact that he's basically a professional alcoholic anyway, downs it. Then he slams the empty bottle down and goes into the back room. There's a lot of screaming, some growling, and various crashing sounds. Finally a silence falls upon the bar. Minutes pass, then an hour. Finally the bartender sends a barmaid back to see what's going on. A few minutes later, she comes back out.

"What's he doing?" asks the bartender.

"What's left of him is back there in the croc pen," she says, her horrified face pale with shock. "His clothes are tossed in the corner. I think he tried to fuck the croc. The croc...the croc ate him."

"Oh, Jesus," whispers the bartender. "Jesus."

Nobody says a word.


A guy decides to buy a new ceiling fan, but the salesman says, "Well I'm all out of tunafish."

So the guy says louder, "I want a ceiling fan."

But the salesman says, "I told you, I'm all out of tunafish."

The guy frustrated, yells, "I WANT A CEILING FAN!"

The customer, now irate, realizes that the salesman was actually a mentally impaired vagrant who had wandered into the store.


A man has been trapped on a desert island for 8 years. One day, he sees a boat on the horizon and lights a fire to let it know he is there.

The boat comes towards the shore. On board there is a beautiful woman in a body hugging wetsuit.

"Thank God", he says, "I've been trapped on this island for eight years. Thank god someone has come at last."

"Eight years?" she says, "So it's eight yerars since you last smoked a cuban cigar?"

She unzips a pocket on her wetsuit and pulls out a cigar. She passes it to him, pulls out a zippo, and lights it for him. He enjoys the first cigar he has had in eight years.

"So is it also eight years since you had a drink?"

She unzips a pocket on her wetsuit and pulls out a hip flask, tossing it to him. He takes a swig, and it's 25 year old single malt whisky. It's smooth and mellow and utterly delicious.

"So," she says, beginning to unzip the long zipper on the front of her costume, "Is it eight years since you played around?"

"Oh no," he says, "This is all a dream, isn't it? A beautiful woman with whiskey and cigars wanting to have sex with me? I must be dreaming."

Suddenly he is woken up by a flash of lightning. It's the middle of the night, and he is all alone in his primitive shelter on his desert island. So alone, so terribly alone.


A man's sitting alone in a bar, just him and the bartender. He's drinking his troubles away, trying to get over his crushing depression, but the alcohol is just making it worse since alcohol is a depressant. He's staring at the wall, a half-empty gin and tonic in front of him, when he hears a voice.

"Pssst," it whispers. "Nice shirt."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. He sees the bartender at the end of the bar, cleaning glasses. "Hey bartender!" the man shouts. "Did you say something?"

"No," the bartender says, and goes back to cleaning glasses. The man shrugs and goes back to staring at the wall. After a few minutes, he hears the voice again.

"Psssssssssst," it whispers. "Nice tie, too!"

"BARTENDER!" the man shouts. The bartender comes over immediately. "Bartender," the man says, "did you SAY anything?"

"No, the bartender says. "Why?"

"Because I heard a voice talking to me! It said I had a nice shirt, then it said I had a nice tie, and you're the only one here so it..."

The man pauses as the bartender lifted a shotgun from behind the bar.

"What are you doing?" gasps the horrified man.

"You get the fuck out of my bar before those goddamned voices tell you to kill me, or so help me God, I'll kill you first. GET OUT."

The man leaves.


A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says, ''Sorry, we don't give beer to bears in bars.''

The bear replies, ''I guess I will have a soda instead.''

So the bear and the bartender talk over nonalcoholic drinks all night about the reality of interspecies communication.


An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, did not recognize the sender's name, and rightly deduced that she was not the intended recipient. She replied, pointing out the man's mistake, who then resent the e-mail to the proper address.


How do hedghogs have sex?

Like all other mammals, the make inserts his penis into the female's vagina and moves vigorously in and out until the friction causes him to ejaculate.


What's the difference between a duck?

I'm sorry, I was typing too quickly and missed off the end of my sentence. I meant to say "What's the difference between a duck and a goose?" and the answer is that they are entirely different species of waterfowl.


I just flew in from LA, and boy are my arms tired. This is because they had run out of carts at Charlotte Douglas, and I had to lug two extremely heavy suitcases all the way from the baggage carousels to my car. I think I might have pulled a muscle in my arm.


What do you call 5 mexicans in quicksand?
A dangerous situation that could soon turn tragic.


Four blondes are driving to Disneyworld. They finally get to Florida and they see a sign that says "Disneyworld: left" so they take the left and have a wonderful time at what many people believe to be the most magical place on Earth.


A Mexican, a Texan, a Brit, and a Frenchman are flying on a plane when one of the engines goes out. The pilot comes out and says "we're too heavy, one of you will have to jump!" The Mexican looks at the Texan, the Brit looks at the Frenchmen, but they all decide that they don't want to jump out of the plane. The pilot attempts an emergency landing but without a runway and only 3 engines the plane hits at too harsh an angle and explodes.


How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?

Do something really nice for her, like buy her the piece of jewelry she looks at every time you go into the mall, or bake her a cake. If you have the time and effort, make her something. People appreciate thought and effort in a present more than money.


Why don't Polish girls swim in the sea?

The only sea that Poland borders on is the Baltic. Throughout most of the year this sea is too cold to comfortable swim in.


These three guys are in a bar, and they're pretty well smashed. First guy turns to the second guy and goes "you know, there's a building by here with some weird wind currents. You jump off the roof, fall nearly to the ground, then the updrafts catch you and carry you safely to the roof again." Second guy says "bullshit, that's a lie." First guy goes "okay, asshole. Bet you fifty bucks that I'm right." The second guy agrees, and they go off to the roof in question.

During the walk to the building, the second guy's head clears a bit, and he figures out why the first guy's blue, red, and yellow costume with big red cape looked so familiar. He calls the bet off.


There once was a man from Nantucket. He owned a sailboat. I haven't seen him in years.


Three boys walk into the office of the head priest of their catholic school. The priest asks what they have done wrong. The three boys each answer "Nothing" and the priest says in frustration. "Then go do something wrong I'm busy here."

The next day each boy is brought back seperately. The first boy walks in and the priest askes "What did you do wrong?" The boy responds, "I gutted my cat" The priest is horrified and makes a note about the boy. When he regained his composure he said "Son you are deeply disturbed and need therapy but since you confessed to me you are forgiven and may drink of the holy water."

The next boy walks in and the priest warily asks "What have you done wrong?" "I killed my mom" he responds. The priest immediately calls the police but before the boy is arrested the priest says to him "You are very deeply disturbed my son but because you have confesseed this sin you are forgiven and may drink of the holy water" As soon as he does the police escort him out of the building.

Finally the last little boy walks into the priests office. The priests asks him "And what have you done my son?" The kid replies "I peed in the holy water." To which the priest said "Thank God. You didn't do something horrific like the other two. For confessing this sin you are forgiven and may drink of the holy water once we replace it with fresh water."

Epilogue: The boys eventually accused the priest of molestation. The priest was de-frocked and died alone, riddled with the guilt of one dead woman and three molested boys on his head.


As their plane spirals towards the ground, a young man asks the pretty girl next to him if she would have sex with him, as he does not want to die a virgin. Surprised by this request, she declines, stating that in addition to the sheer inappropriateness of the idea, the mechanics of copulating in a crashing aircraft seem very difficult if not impossible. He agrees and admits that he was only trying to lighten the mood. However, she was busy putting on her oxygen mask and didn't hear this last bit. They both spend the last moments of their lives in anxious reflection.

drewsov Uploaded 05/21/2008
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