Ah yes, the joys of college.
Last year I began my four year quest in search of furthering my education at one of the most prestigious institutions of academia the US has to offer.
In other words, I got drunk, was induced into various psychoactive states, had unprotected sex, and still managed to come away from it with a B-average and no STDs.
Thank God for luck and grade inflation.
Lucky for you, my abnormally high grades are not the topic of this post.
But let's start off with a little background info first. I lived in a two room triple. That's 2 guys, 2 rooms, and 1 bitch.
Let me explain.
Have you ever seen the less than hilarious comedy BASEketball, starring Matt Stone and Trey Parker, creators of Southpark? Well, the film is not going to be enshrined in the halls of comedic genius, but I will be the first one to admit that it did have its moments. Furthermore, it had a character that the two stars basically bitched around the whole movie.
That character was affectionately referred to as "Squeaks."
As I stated earlier I was living with two other individuals. One hockey player and great all-around guy, and the bitch, or Squeaks, as he came to be known - my small tribute to the creators of Southpark.
The bitch, Squeaks, was a skier and mountain biker.
He was also 5'2'' tall.
Me and my roommate are both well over 6'. Our good friend who lived a few doors down the hall was a basketball player - 6'9''.
We all hung out together and, needless to say, Squeaks was bitched around like the little bitch that he was. My most vivid memories included Squeaks, lots and lots of velcro, a very tall wall, and subsequently lots of ice packs for Squeaks, but that is a story for another time.
Squeaks didn't go out and party much, but when he did, he got Wasted...with a capital "W". Being vertically challenged and tipping the scale at a whopping 120 lbs, Squeaks was sinfully intoxicated after only a few beers, a fact that he was belittled endlessly about. However, he didn't stop there.
Even after his BAC drew morbidly close to his shoe size, he kept drinking, and as a result, he inevitably entered into the realm of "throne worshipping" - for the lay man - puking his fucking brains out in the toilet all night long.
One fateful Thursday during the winter term, Squeaks decided that it would be a good idea to go out on the town and throw back a few shots of Grandpa's old Cough Medicine. Well, for the sake of brevity, let's just say that Squeaks threw back a few too many shots, and somehow stumbled back to the room around 1 AM.
Me and Hockey Player were just about to hit the sack, and were in the midst of packing our ritual "before bed" lip. The sweet odor of Skoal Mint was in the air, and the night was a quiet one...the silence in the room broken only by the soft melodic tones of rap music from my computer
Then Squeaks stumbled in, reeking of alcohol and drunk as Ted Kennedy in a strip bar.
We crack a few jokes, tell Sqeaks to drink some water, go to bed, and try to grow a penis, and a few minutes later we hit the sack.
About 20 minutes later, Squeaks lurches into the dark room, and climbs up on the top bunk (the bitch, of course, slept in the top bunk). Hockey Player sleeps in the bottom bunk, and I am on the other side of the room in my own bed (Yes, I am the fucking man and got my own bed).
I turn over and try to go back to sleep, as Squeaks has bumped into almost every piece of furniture in our room while trying to get into his bed and managed to wake both me and Hockey Player up in the process.
- 3 minutes later -
"Wha-...What? Oh...Oh, SHIT! WHAT the FUCK?"
"SWEET CHRIST GOD DAMMIT SONUVABITCH MOTHERFUCKER!!! SQUEAKS, stop PUKING ON ME and GO TO THE FUCKING BATHROOM!"
Apparently, Squeaks didn't get all of the unnecessary liquor out of his system before he went to bed that night, and a few minutes after he had settled into bed, he found it necessary to empty the remnants of his digestive tract onto Hockey Player. Squeaks had stuck his head out over the top bunk and literally puked right onto Hockey Player's face.
Imagine yourself sleeping quietly, peacefully snoozing while dreams of naked girls dance in your head, only to be awoken by a little bitch spewing gallons of stomach acid and regurgitated liquor onto your face.
I know, it's a terrible thought. Makes me sick to my stomach to even think about it. As Hockey Player was scrambling to the shower down the hall to wash the bile off his face, I had a feeling that the night was just beginning, and that he would have his revenge...
To Be Continued...