i shit my pants today
i should have expected this when i ordered the fatburger with bacon and cheese AND the fat fries. but a couple hours later, stuck in rush hour traffic, i knew i was in trouble. my baby was screaming in the back seat-she had dropped her bottle. as i stretched back to retreive it for her, i felt a familiar burning around the rim of my anus. this was NOT good. i decided i better concentrate on getting quickly to my house.
i heard a sound that resembled my dog when he is gnawing away on his chew-toy, rumbling from deep within me. only 3 miles to go...2 miles...the rumbling got louder as if some monstrous creature had somehow become trapped inside me and was trying to tear itself out.
i have never been a religious person, but at this moment i found myself praying. "please god..."i was driving my husbands new car, he would NEVER forgive me if i let loose. a tiny fart squeeled its way out, similar to the sound a balloon makes if you pinch the end and let air out. this offered little to no relief as a stench filled the car that would choke a donkey. my daughter screamed louder.
i started sweating and shaking. 1 more mile to go...damn this L.A. traffic!!! my hands were starting to feel numb as i unbuckled the seatbelt. finally i turned into my driveway. but i was not safe yet.
i hobbled around to the back door of the car to get my daughter. i could have asked my neighbor to keep an eye on her since he was standing right there. but surely the smell would have killed her. i was doing my best to clench my butt cheeks and stop the quivering in my anus. my neighbor must have known something was wrong when he saw how pale my face was.
but as i picked up my baby, her tiny 18 pound body was just too much to bear and the shit came. right in front of my next door neighbor. he might not have noticed-but the sound gave it away. this was not like a balloon being pinched this time-it was similar to the sound it would make if you let go of the balloon and let it fly around the room while the air comes out.
i was horrified that he had seen me but i had bigger problems. i knew that this was only half of it. i walked as fast i could-like i had just gotten off of a horse, trying not to drip on my freshly shampooed carpet. i managed to peel off most of my pants when i procedded to shit all over the back of the toilet. the rest of what resembled water and potato chunks went all over the inside of the bowl.
the pants came off and went straight into the bathtub. i was breathing so heavily-like i had just run a marathon.then to my horror i realized there was no toilet paper. i did my best to wipe the poop off my ass and legs with the cardboard tube so i could walk to the hall closet, naked from the waist down and get more.
damn. that fatburger sure was good though!