Okay, this sounds odd, and it is, but you'll be surprised how well it works out when it's all done. Of course, start with a turkey. You will also need several of your favorite citrus fruits (lemons, lines, oranges, tangerines...whatever combination you like) and AT LEAST one big box of coarse kosher salt. Probably more for a larger turkey. This is actually really amusing to do in front of people, just to watch them sweat.

First, you will not be able to stuff the bird with stuffing. Don't even try. You will just fuck up the stuffing with this bird anyway, so instead fill the cavity with hacked up chunks of the citrus. Fill the bird full of it, then close up the hole. You can use butcher's twine. Stainless steel wire. Whatever technique you want to make sure the bird is packed full of aromatics and closed. This isn't a very unusual technique, and there are lots of people that do the stuffing outside of the bird so you won't shock anyone here.

It also won't shock them when you put the bird on a rack in the roasting pan. After all, like all slow-cooking items it will need to be able to drain a bit.

But you will see their eyebrows raise when you pull out the salt. Like I said, at least one of the big boxes. The turkey will probably be slightly damp from sitting in the air and that's perfect. If not, and the skin is dry, you can mist it just a little bit with water. But then pouring the salt into your hands, start packing it on in big handfulls. This is not necesarilly easy and it can be kind of an "art" rather than a science. What you're going for is a nice thick layer of salt covering the whole bird, but not so much that it's falling off like an "avalanche." Loading it up with between 1/8 tp 1/4 inch layer, or maybe a little more, is good.

By now, your guests will be concerned you are ruining a perfectly good turkey. They will sweat even more when you put it in the oven an forget all about it. That's right. Don't bother it at all. Don't DARE try to baste it. In fact, if you can just leave it in there with the oven door shut then all the better. Let it cook for the reccomended time, and then test the temperature close to the end to make sure it'a 180f. But besides that, don't disturb the thing.

Meanwhile, what is happening inside the oven is pure chemistry. The salt sucks moisture out of the skin, but not the fat. Since the skin has a high fat content, what happens is that the skin and salt form a perfect barrier on the outside. The inside of the bird heats, and between the citrus and the bird's own juices the turkey infuses itself inside the oven.

When you pull it out, wait for it to cool a little and then find a convenient spot to start. Gently crack the salt anf then peel the bird. Just throw out all of the salt and the skin. All of it. You won't need it. Very little salt has made it's way into the turkey, for those of you who are soduim conscious. In fact, the fatty skin layer has kept all of the salt on the outside, just like the salt has forced the skin to keep all of the moisture on the inside. Open up thecavity, and with tongs you can pull out what's left of the citrus. If you're feeling particularly interesting you can now "stuff" the bird with stuffing for display sake, but it's hardly necessary.

What you now have is a low fat (since the skin is gone), low salt (since it never got into the bird) perfectly seasoned, moist, infused turkey.

If you want to get "fancy", you can very cautiously try to insert herbs under the turkey skin (I would reccoment rosemary or tarragon) without tearing it before you seal the whole thing up and pack the salt on. That will give you even more flavor, but since keeping the skin intact is imperative you might not feel you're a talented enough cook to risk it. Besides, you can always just sprinkle some on when you serve it anyway, so no big deal.

Anyway...happy Thanksgiving to all my American friends on here. Have a good holiday.