Dump The Bitch

Majul_Cartoons Published 11/26/2008

No matter what relationship you're in at the moment (first date, casual, fuck buddies or long-term) at some point you'll have to break up… period. Marriage and long-term relationships end up being sexless man made prisons with no benefits. Total surrender of your freedom.

This is why I combined a short list of the best times to abort a relationship, let this be your guide.

Best times to break up:

1. Immediately after sex.

But sometimes sex with a particular person can be quite enjoyable (don't let that fool you). If you're 16 to 35 years old, your sex relationship should last 3 weeks… maximum… and only if it's the best sex you've ever had.

2. No sex after 3 dates is an automatic break-up, no point wasting your time (whether she's religious or a lesbian, or a religious lesbian; she ain't putting out). Dumping by texting is recommended… she'll eat her sorrows away with cookie dough and eventually realise that not putting out is exactly why she's now a fat loner, watching Ugly Betty re-runs in a tank top.

3. "I love you", if you ever heard that, it means she's desperate… the sooner she says it the more she fears to be alone, use it to your advantage, tell her to prove it by having anal sex or maybe a threesome. You must however hurry, once an "I love you" is out, your relationship will deteriorate quicker than Amy Winehouse's face. You have about a week to dump, use a telephone, but prepare to hang up before she starts to yell or even worse, cry – be strong, it has to be done.

4. "I think you should meet my parents". If you heard this, it means you caved to the "I love you". You are entering a very dangerous territory, meeting the parents of someone you use as a sex puppet is weirder than getting a rim job. You must be quick. Tell her you'll be happy to do it, have sex, wait for her to fall asleep and run, run and never return… move countries for a few months if you must.

5. "I think we should move in together"… This is bad, by this stage she's got your balls in a vise, next thing you know you're asking for permission to go out and if its not with her prepare for a bitch session. If you don't deal with the problem now, it may be too late. Your once sacred fortress of solitude will soon become a hello kitty sanctuary; with 20 random pillows on your bed, scented candles in the bathroom and countless beauty products and make-up kits everywhere (What the fuck is; baby foreskin eye cream and why is it real?). Worst of all, nothing but "The Hills" haunting your TV. Tell her you're spraying for termites, move homes and assume a different identity.

6. "Lets get a puppy", she's moved in, you can no longer eat in front of your own T.V and whatever was left of your former self is now a distant memory of past happiness. During the settlement period she'll work extra hard on crushing what's left of your self-esteem in order to prepare you for marriage. This is one of the worst situations you'll find yourself in, but remember; you're not married yet. Legally she's entitled to nothing; make a phone call to your local police department, tell them she's on medication and they may have to use mace. In the morning she'll be dragged away crying and screaming. Be sure to make a bonfire and burn her clothes, DVD's and anything else she left behind, have an exorcist come by if necessary.

7. "Are we ever going to get married?" – You're weak, however step six will still do the job.

8. "Do you take this woman…?" Its too late, you're a moron. She managed to completely destroy any self-esteem you had left, you've been brain washed into thinking monogamy is natural and that she's the only woman that can stand you. Your days of having meaningless sex (or any sex) are over. You're doomed to forever ponder of what might have been… Divorce is the only option now, and legally she gets half of everything… you're fucked.

There are approximately 3,005,616,000 women in the world. The chances are you'll find someone better then her. So dump the bitch before it's too late.