I see this same shit every night.
You may think that a bartender is ignorant. You might think that we have no clue about the happenings of the patrons of our establishment. Well, you're wrong.
I am constantly bombarded with the likes of you dumbasses day in and day out. Every night, every weekend, and you're all the same. You are not special or even interesting.
Let me give you my point of view:
I saw cute little Jessica and her chubby friend come in here a few days ago, and for that matter, every week, and every visit is the same. Jessica getting hammered off free drinks from losers that want to bang her, and she wants to bang them right back. Trying to show off a fake engagement ring that is obviously CZ. How long has she been engaged now? Like 3 years? Please. Her not-as-good-looking friend, always stepping in to try and stop it. Sometimes successfully, sometimes not (remember 3 weeks ago mis Cock-Block, when she bailed on you and didn't even say she was leaving?) Stuck you with the tab, and that's what you get for your efforts. Besides, seriously, you enjoy getting the tid-bits of attention that fall to the floor when the drunk douchebags are trying to score with her, and you get your fair share of free drinks too. Oh, and your brother, by the way, was the only one able to score with the Hooters girls that came in last Thursday for a promotion. If he is set to marry Jessica like you claim, then my appreciation for his pimp-skills just went up a notch.
Then comes Mr. Man-Whore, strutting in like he owns the place, throwing down his plastic (which by the way, was declined last week, poor shmuck had to spread across 3 of his wife's cards). I know this shit because I AM THE BARTENDER, and I know it all. I am all seeing and all powerful. I can control whether you go or stay, whether you get laid or get embarassed, and whether you ever return.
What did you think was going to happen when you buy all their drinks all night Mr. Man-Whore? Did you think that she would think you are cool for falling into their trap and take you home? Especially when you had your back to her OK-Looking friend all night? Even when she is pretending to be engaged? Of course miss Cock-Block was going to do her best to stop you! You spilled your drink on her when your goofy ass stumbled with miss drunk-slut to the dance floor, dumbass! Your shitty tipping is also what leads me to rat you out, you pathetic little asshole.
Cock-Block might think that she runs the game but let's be real for a minute. Your friend is not innocent, and neither are you. Hell, last week she blew my bar-back in the bathroom so he would talk me into not 86ing both your stupid asses for that drunk rampage the week before. He didn't notice an engagement ring when she reached into his pants. Little miss Cock-Block, don't think we didn't know about your "taking one for the team" that time you thought that those two morons who showed up in a rented Benz were going to take you two to Catalina Island. Yes, it was rented, sorry to burst your bubble, if you would have just looked at the key chain, the ENTERPRISE sticker might have given it away, but let's face it, you girls aren't known for your obsevation skills and powers of deduction.
Both of you are slightly retarded and deserve to have to battle each other nightly while the only one that tuly gets to benefit is ME! I take your money Mr. Man-Whore, both tips, and the far-inflated bill that you are too smashed to notice. I also get to reap the benefits of Jessica when she returns right after closing WITHOUT her Cock-Blocking fatty friend because she lost her cell phone, and guess what? She is a freaky little bitch when it comes to a closed bar and a handful of condoms.
So in closing, I leave you two with this piece of advice.
GO....... FUCK.... YOURSELVES, ï¿½and leave the rest to me...