Dumb ass Lawsuits
10 - An idiot sued Michael Jordan because he says Michael Jordan looks like him. This supposedly causes people everywhere to approach him.
He sued Michael Jordan AND the founder of Nike, Phil Knight, for $832 million dollars.
And guess who was the lawyer representing this moron?
You know your multi-million dollar case is retarded when you can't even get a lawyer.
If this dude had even 1 braincell, he would use his Michael Jordan look-alike status to make money. Like by standing in Times Square in New York City and selling autographs to stupid tourists. Or by getting free meals at every restaurant.
Obviously this numbskull enjoys the attention because he shaves his head like Michael Jordan and also wears an earring.
Hey dope! You can't sue somebody because you look like them!
This would be like if Rosie O'Donnell sued the moon. Or if Paris Hilton sued an anorexic pelican.
9 - The Wendy's Finger
Anna Ayala sued Wendy's because she claimed that there was a finger in her chili.
After a huge investigation, it turns out that she planted the finger in the chili.
Here's a lesson to all morons: stop throwing body parts in your fast food and suing.
Or at least, COOK the body parts. Detectives knew something was weird because Wendy's chili is cooked at 170 degrees and the finger was being served raw. Plus, the finger was from a friend of her family. Duh. You KNOW the police can identify the finger because a finger has FINGERPRINTS!
This stupid lawsuit has a happy ending... Wendy's gave out free desserts to win back customers and Anna Ayala was sentenced to 9 years in prison.
8 - Kenneth Parker sued the state of Nevada because he ordered two jars of chunky peanut butter but instead got one jar of chunky and one jar of creamy.
Did I mention that he ordered the peanut butter from the prison kitchen? Yeah, a dude in jail sues the state over peanut butter.
In his defense, the style of peanut butter is very important when it comes to spreading it on your cell mates' ass before eating out his butt hole.
7 - The McDonald's Coffee Case
Stella Liebeck sued McDonald's because she spilled their coffee all over her lap and wound up in the hospital with 3rd degree burns.
This is not the stupidest lawsuit of all-time because McDonald's was wrong here because their coffee was too damn hot. But she did spill it on herself. It's not as if Ronald McDonald threw it in her face. I mean, if the Hamburglar came along and dumped scalding coffee in the woman's lap... she'd have a rock-solid case.
I'm surprised this hasn't lead to more lawsuits... like maybe I could sue the manufacturer of my couch because it's too comfortable. All day I watch TV instead of doing stuff. Damn you, comfortable couch manufacturer!
Or maybe I'm doing some "research" on the internet while wearing my new imported cashmere pants made out of gold and dolphin feathers. And the very sexy adult entertainment star Carmen Hayes jiggles something that causes me to stain my very expensive pants... can I sue her for being hotter than McDonald's coffee?
6 - This one is sad because it involves the drowning of a Honda.
This drunk girl drove into Galveston Bay in Texas. Her friend got out alive but the drunk driver was too drunk to unfasten her seatbelt. So she died.
So naturally, her parents sued Honda for manufacturing a seat belt that cannot be easily unbuckled by a drunk driver who is under water.
Why didn't Honda test for this scenario! And car manufacturers should also make brakes that brake even when celebrities don't press the brake. That way the singer Brandy wouldn't have slammed into those people.
5 - A man sued Anheuser-Busch for $10,000.
Dude claimed that unlike their beer commercials would suggest, drinking their brand of beer did not cause bikini girls to suddenly break into a volleyball game and invite him back to their hotel room.
Yes, this lawsuit was actually filed in a court of law.
Man, imagine if you could sue companies for this type of stuff and win?
"Your Honor, I am suing Toyota because despite my best efforts, I could not drive my new Toyota Tundra up the side of a skyscraper like in the commercial."
"I am suing Valtrex for $22 million dollars because after viewing their commercials, I was duped into believing that people with Herpes live exciting lives that include white-water rafting, mountain climbing, and sailing with very attractive members of the opposite sex. Because of these commercials that promoted these outstanding benefits, I purposely contracted genital Herpes. And now I have horrible outbreaks, but still no hotties who want to go parasailing with me."
4 - This one is really dumb. It's ongoing litigation that was finally settled after 28 years in the courts. What could be so important?
The Beatles formed a company called Apple Corps as a record label. They didn't like Apple Computer using a similar name and also selling music. So they kept suing Apple Computer, trying to get money.
Is there anyone who is getting confused? Who the hell knew The Beatles had a record label called Apple? And who could possibly confuse it with a computer company? I'm not certain, but I think Yoko Ono is behind this.
3 - A man claimed his employer was discriminating against him. Okay. The jury awarded him over $300,000.
Cool! What will he do with all that money?
He's going to spend it all on cigarette and lubricant!
Because during the trial he held up a convenience store with a shotgun.
Now he's in prison for a decade.
2 - Prisoners have so much time on their hands, they think up a lot of great lawsuits. Robert Lee Brock decided to sue the man he blamed all his problems on. He sued him for $5 million dollars. He sued... himself.
He claimed that the defendant (him) violated the plaintiff's (his) civil rights when the defendant allowed the plaintiff to get drunk. The alcohol instigated the criminal behavior.
Now here is where the real genius shines:
He argued that since the defendant (himself) didn't have any money, the STATE should pay.
I'm not sure if this was a tactic to make money or a tactic to be transferred from the prison into a mental institution.
1 - Now this one is my favorite:
Dude sued a strip club because he claimed he suffered from whiplash!
How do you get whiplash in a strip club? Apparently this can happen when a dancer named Tawny Peaks swings her super huge foobies (fake boobies) in your face. The jury rejected his demand of $15,000.
I think they SHOULD have awarded him $15,000 but paid him in single dollar bills.
I mean, look at those weapons of mass destruction!
Just looking at them, I suffered from a self-induced groin pull!