DROPKICK LAPDANCE AND THE TIJUANA STRIPPER PART2 LOCK UP
so there i stood in a dark alley in front of peanuts and beer being arrested by the federales. apparently the club owner had called the cops because of me assaulting a stripper and offering her sex in exchange for money. funny, i dont remember it happening that way. by this point i knew we were screwed and we were going to jail no matter what.
i was arredted on the spot for prostitution without a license and my 2 friends were arrested for possession of brass knuckles, which they had bought 2 doors down from the seedy titty bar that was having us arrested. just to give you an idea of how ass backwards the penal system is in tj the cops went to lunch at little caesars and then wrote all our arrest info on a napkin for the jail. tj jail in and of itself shameless shithole filled with criminals and drug addicts. when we were booked, we were put in a holding cell with about 50 mexicans who were desperately trying to do all their drugs before we were strip searched.
their were needles being passed around that place and were being shred by the majority of prisoners. truth be told, my greatest fear at that point was that one of those greasy fuckers was gonna get high out of his mind and try to stick me with that needle. in my meager opinion i dont think blood born disease should be collected like baseball cards. i looked in front of me only to see a little mexican guy hike up his pant leg to reveal a little yelly beaded anklet. it seemed pretty gay that a grown man would wear such a thing but as high as he was, i wasnt about to tell him.
then suddenly he ripped the anklet, pulled out a spoon and lighter and began to melt the sissy beads. it became all too apparent, they werent beads, they were crack rocks and he was about to slam all of them before he got caught. he offered me some but i politely declined and soon enough my 2 friends and myself were in our own cell. nothing standing in between us and freedom but rusty bars and a master lock and only a hole in the ground for a toilet.
soon enough we realized we werent exactly universally liked by either the guards or the prisoners in this little slice of heaven we caled tj jail. we constantly watched each others backs for fear of an attempted beatdown by either pissed off prisoners or power tripping guards. one fine morning another prisoner thought it particularly cute to throw a cup of water in my face and scream, what i assume, to be some rather nasty things. im not really one for words partially because i had no idea what he was saying and partially because i had no intention of taking shit from this cocksucker. i quietly and calmly took half of the hardened tortilla id saved from breakfast and dipped it in the whole in the ground and wiped it in the shit in the ground. the whole time the guy was laughing his ass off righht up until the point i hucked the shit covered tortilla at him and it stuck to the side of his face.
first silence and then a scream of disgust " este caca! este caca!" followed by the roar of laughter from all the other prisoners. the same day another guy was brought in so twacked out of his mind, he thought he could climb through the bars and got his head stuck in between them... moron. soon thereafter i was released and the first thing i did before heading back to that glorious american border was..... hit another titty bar, get drunk as hell, and had quite possibly the nastiest lapdance i have ever had.
in the end we made it home with a hell of a story to tell and to remember the occasion, i had my release paperwork framed