This is a tale of woe and intrigue, spun by an amature yarn spinner in hopes of cracking a smile on an otherwise uneventful Monday!!
To set the scene picture a mid size family home on the outskirts of a sleepy bedroom community of hard drinking pot smoking, friendly as fuck CANADIANS!!
This is my house, where I live with my wife, son and loyal dog. We have a little slice of heaven with motorized fun, nature and my personal favorite our hot tub. Powered by decommissioned fighter jet engines. I swear this thing would tear flesh from bone if turned on high!! It is a good thing we are a family of skeletons!!
It all started on a bloody fantastic sunny afternoon. I was out trekking on my quad and my buddy on his dirty bike. We were hitting the trails all aft, getting dirty, breaking shit and all around having a great day. About dinner time we stop in a clearing and fire up the travel-Q and cook up some dogs and burgs, burn a couple spliffs form end to end and drink a couple of wobbly pops. Thats when it hits me, I am half cut and it is still early and warm as hell. This is gonna be a long night !!
We pack up and start the trek home, stopping one or 4 times to piss and drink some more. By the time we reach my back yard we have turned form a usual righteous young upstanding young adults into blabbering belligerent bastards with an eye on destruction and brains full of booze and pot!!
First things first, light the grill. It was funny I could see the spark sparking, i could hear the gas flowing but for some reason I could see no flame. I call my buddy over to take a look (also leaving the gas running) just as he presses the ignition button, BOOM the grill ignites with the force of 4 atomic bombs, the US military ain't got nothing on CANADIAN BBQ!! My buddy turns around, slightly charred and staggers a bit and calls out "BEER, I NEED BEER" I toss him a can and say "SUCK IT UP SALLY, ITS ONLY HAIR AND IT WILL GROW BACK!!"
My neighbor pops his little bald head over the fence like a stupid fucking gopher popped out of the ground to check on the commotion. "WHATS GOING ON, YOU GUYS GONNA PARTY TONIGHT?", "FUCK NO, JUST BBQ - HAVE YOURSELF A GOOD ONE" was my quick witted response. No need to share the dwindling supply of beer and meat!! That night we ate we like savages stranded on a desert island devoid of all meat products. We had pork chops, NY strip steak, burgers, hot dogs, chicken breasts and i even dug out some lamb chops i had forgotten about in the bottom of my freezer. every thing cooked rare, bloody rare. little pieces of meat were flying this way and that, juices dripping from our chins. Oh god how I love BBQ!!
After our feast we sat back in all our meat soaked glory, admiring the pile of bones and scraps left on the table. A single lonely fly spotted our mess and came down, with a quick left his life was over!! Nobody but us shall partake in the goodness that was dinner. Lounging there on my deck, spliff in one hand beer in the other - all was right with the world.
Fast forward 2 hours, darkness had settled in and the fire was roaring, we were now stuing in the hot tub. My buddy (the little sally he is) is complaining the water jets hurt, I say SHUT UP or get out. He opts for out, not me a just relax and drift away to a simpler time with bills or responsibilities. MMMM such a nice thought, out of nowhere i get hit in the face with a lamb chop bone and then hear the crash. My drunken buddy had spilt the table holding the remnants of our dinner. Sending meat and meat products everywhere, knocking over the empty cans and generally making a mess all over my deck.
My dog jumps to action making quick work out of anything edible, normally i would put a stop to this but I was drunk and really there was nothing i could do. It figure since I was having a ball might as well give him a treat too!
I know what has to be done now, I live in the country and this smell wafting through the air will attract all kinds of beasties and since I was in no fit shape to get out any guns I had better fix shit up!! I lumber myself out of the tub almost. I got all the way out with the exception of my foot, i turn to pivot on it and splash right back into the tub, only this time i take the cover with me. Breaking it right down the cneter - stupid Styrofoam not designed to hold a falling drunkards weight!! Its a conspiracy!! I come to my senses as dumbass is pulling up from the watery grave, i push him out of the way now furious because the reality set in that I now have to replace this cover which is gonna cost me an arm and a leg plus I have a huge egg swelling on my leg from bouncing in the seat, fuck it hurt!!
I rig the lid so it is closed and proceed to start yelling profanities at dumbass, for this was all his fault - nobody else to blame. I decide the best course of action is to grab the hose and soak the problem away. To the stairs i go, first step ok, second just fine, third third oh shit where is the third step. FUCCKK I scream as I start a barrel roll down the steps, somehow catching my leg in the rail and it comes flying off after me, chasing me down like i owed it money! Stupid booze and dumbass friends!!
I am laying on the ground in a wet bathing suit staring at the fire crumpled, bruised, a little bloody and still drunk!! I start to laugh as dumbass starts to remove all the wood laying on me, he asks whats so funny?
I just look up and say, we are missing a really starry night, better light another cone and forget about all this, for tomorrow is gonna suck!!