Alright so I live in pennsylvania and I'm going to this school called shippensburg (the only person who would know it is Dominus and fuck if I know if he's even on this god forsaken website anymore). A friend of mine and I went up the day before orientation and oh did the day begin.
Sit children and let good ol godly weave you a tale. We began our journey by sitting in a motel office waiting for about two hours on our registration to go through. If any of you heard about that flight where th pilot died from Brugges to Newark...my mom was on that flight. Kathleen Ledger. She was quoted all over the place. So at the time that we were having difficulties getting our room...freakin NBC and FOX and a hundred other three lettered words news vans...were outside my fucking home. So it was a tad bit difficult to get ahold of my mother to get the reciept faxed. Ever hear the parable about god forcing a camel through the eye of a needle? It was like that shit...minus the camel...and the needle....and the God.
We finally got into our room and...guys I'm pretty sure I was raped by mosquitoes and AIDS demons alike from this bed. OHHHH but the best is yet to come little ones
lil godly and his buddy decided to get food. we drove around and lo and behold! KFC AND TACO BELL COMBINED! CHRIST HAS COME AGAIN MY FRIENDS AND HE IS A BELL WITH A WHITE MOUSTACHE! I ate an amazing meal involving mashed potatoes and dog food grade beef. just what I like.
So now the tally of stupid shit entering my body is three, aids demon, mosquitoes...and kentucky fried bell, or colonel taco as we affectionately call this masterpiece.
We then went back to our room and decided to drink. Now although I'm amazing in every possible way...I have never drank. so I decided to try it that night. Want to hear the only thing that could have been dumber? My white Irish ass pulling a bruce willis and standing in Camden with "I HATE NIGGERS" painted on my chest.
Now, we had Vladimir Vodka. And if any of you haven't tasted this let me describe it to you in two words...satan's piss. Let us just say I do not know what I'm doing when making drinks and drinking. I had no idea what rules there are and the tricks to not puking up my colonel bell.
Oh and the fun began soon after. After about my fourth drink(within a very short time) I lay my little head to sleep....and the world spun..and spun.....and spun. I ran to the bathroom and hurled up everything I ate for the past six years. I found my cheesy fiesta potatoes from earler...THEY DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING START DIGESTING! My body was cheated.
Eleven and a half pukes later...its six am. and I can barely stand. I somehow managed to go to the free "continental breakfast" which was orange juice...toast...and three mini muffins. dissapointing. I choked down a piece of toast and some OJ. Sing this word in your mind. MISTAKE! I hear it as an opera singer would sing it. As we somehow made it to my orientaton I started hiccuping...oh god...number 12! I went next to a bench and...well let us say my OJ and toast evacuated.
My mother met me a little later.....guess who didn't even have to ask what I'd been doing! My mother has apparently drank a bit in her time because she knew what was up in five seconds flat
My parents thank god are very understanding and knew I was just curious. And the best fucking part? THE BEST FUCKING PART! My only punishment was weeding. No not a big deal...but the karmic justice that came was far worse. My ENTIRE FUCKING BODY is covered in poison ivy. I'm freakin dying here and I look like a burn victim.
So kids...don't drink...cause you'll forever be known as the kid who was hung over at orientation(kind of a funny start to college really) and you'll get poison ivy.
-thegodlyone has spoken and I wish I was making this shit up.