Festively 13 aka Pervert's Guide to the Holidays
If you've ever read one of my blogs with 13 in the title, you know to expect a list of fucked up scenarios and stories designed to make you realize that all "normal" people are just as perverse and twisted as us internet junkies. So break out the mistletoe and enjoy these tales of debauchery, all tinseled up for your Holiday pleasure.
1. During Christmas dinner at your aunt's house, your mother copiously compliments the ornate silver turkey roaster. With utmost grace, your aunt responds, "Thank you. The other 364 days of the year, we use it as the cat box." You are promptly serenaded by the sound of forks hitting plates.
2. You run out of wrapping paper and present your mother with a gift expertly wrapped in the personal ads from a free paper you got in the East Village. Nothing says Happy Chanukah quite like SWM seeks SBM for S&M ASAP.
3. You tie mistletoe to your netherregions only to discover that the leaves are sharp and pointy. This sight of your macerated groin blows your chances of a holy night.
4. You use chocolates from an advent calendar during foreplay.
5. You are fired over your behavior at the office Christmas party and you don't even remember what you did.
6. Your most frequently received gift is a blow job.
7. Alone, depressed, and drunk, you call your ex-wife and ask if you can come over to see the kids. You barely make it to her house, stagger up the porch, catch one whiff of Christmas ham, and vomit on the gifts you brought in front of your children. Your ex's boyfriend makes sure to walk you to your car before he punches you in the face and you decide that maybe he's not such a bad guy.
8. You give your girlfriend a big screen TV for Christmas. The card on the gift reads as follows: "Merry Christmas, baby. I love you. Just so you know, if you ever leave, this big motherfucker stays here."
9. You buy the cutest little figurine of a Mexican senorita with a basket on her head for your niece, not realizing that it's meant for smoking pot out of.
10. As part of your internship at the free clinic, you take it upon yourself to decorate the tree in the waiting room with condoms instead of tinsel and leave a sign saying, "Ho, ho, ho! Take 'em and use 'em!"
11. When your wife tells you that she's really like one of those journey diamond pendants, you tell her that you are planning give her a great pearl necklace instead and neglect to tell her that your definition of a pearl necklace is probably not something she should be calling her sisters and mother to brag about.
12. You sit around the holiday table reminiscing about the "dingleberry pie" your momma used to make. No one has the heart (or the desire) to correct you.
13. Your kids build a 3 foot tall snowman in the front yard. Before you go inside, you strategically relocate the carrot nose and rock eyes.
I'm Sheza, and this Christmas, stick your dick in the jello mold, cuss out a toddler, dig up the hatchet, and tell an outrageous lie to people who obviously know better... then come tell me about it.