So I remembered a little story ya'll might enjoy. Told to me by my friend, Gary Montry, writer of the short film "The Life, Death, and Aptitude of Todd Winters," available for viewing on YouTube (I produced it and have a great cameo as a homeless guy).

Anyway, so Gary was working in the UNMH Emergency room one night when a very frightening sight came to pass, and he discovered the story through police and other witnesses.

This kid, about 15 yet prepubescent, had been a gangbanger for a while and rung up some charges. He's out at a party with some of his dipshit gang friends, and he's packing heat.

In his pants.

Specifically, in the front of his waist.

So, some ruckus starts, and the gangbangers are drawing down, mostly just intended to be a show of force, a rattling of their sabers, if you will, and the kid grabs his gun.

By the trigger.

Did I mention he had hollowpoints in the chamber?

He got lucky, in a sense: he missed his leg, his femoral artery that would have killed him all but instantly with that kind of ammunition, and in fact suffered only a flesh wound.

He blew off his dick.

And his left nut.

And half of his right--they weren't able to save it.

And now the cops get involved and it turns out, with his prior record and the hollowtips and the unregistered gun, he's going to big-boy prison.

With no dick.

And he hadn't hit puberty yet, as far as hair growth.

So a hairless, dickless 16-ish kid was going away to big boy jail for a long, long, long, time.

Seriously, what the hell did he do? Beat his mama? Abort his baby sister? Cancel Arrested Development? Help write the second season of Lost? 

Any guesses?