Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

You laugh because I'm different...........I laugh cause I just farted!

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

He who laughs last didn't get it.