So here I am standing inside this dog infested house.  There are eight dogs and they are riled up and barking and my allergies are going crazy. I have pretty much lost every shred of patience I had, which was not much to begin with and I am very close to punching a smug faced fat piece of goo in the face.  Now it isnt the dogs that are bothering me so much as the reason why I am at this house.  You see one day here in the last three days, Gerald woke up and decided he wanted to die.  So, he rolls over and wakes up his life mate, Michael and tells Michael ever so calmly, I want to die today so I am going to slash my wrist with a knife.  Well, as you can imagine, Michael throws a gay little hissy fit, pleads with Gerald not to end it all and when 250LB fat fuck Gerald rolls out of bed and waddles to the kitchen to grab a knife, Michael of course calls 911.  So as you know when somebody says they want to die the police, fire department and Rural Metro Ambulance has to show up.  The police are always first on scene, because fire stages until we give the all clear for them to enter a house.  So here I am talking to Gerald who is sitting in his recliner with a remote in one hand and a useless yapping little dog in the other calmly telling me he wants to die.  "Why do you want to die Gerald?" "I dont know, Im just having a bad day I guess."  "Its only six in the morning and you just got up so how could you already be having a bad day?"  Well it turns our Geralds companion, Michael recently had surgery for weight loss and he dropped from a very unattractive 370LBS to a very sexy 305, so Gerald was feeling a little insecure.  To make matters worse, strange men have been calling at all hours of the day and night asking to speak with Michael.  COME ON!!!!!!!!!!  YOURE WASTING THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS IN RESOURCES JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT ATTENTION FROM YOUR BOYFRIEND?????????  Go "cruising" and find yourself a new man for cry eye!!!!  I dont get paid enough for this shit!!!

I hate Chow Chows and Akitas.  They are aggressive and they all hate me, but alas there is no love lost let me tell you.  I hate Chows because Chow owners are not happy with just one, they have to have at least five and when I go to a house full of Chows they are always barking a snarling at me.  When the owner sees that I am reluctant to go into their house, I hear the same thing every time, "Oh dont worry they dont bite."  You mean they dont bite.much, right?  Put your damn dogs away, I dont feel like shooting a pack of dogs and then being on the front page of every news paper.  DOG HATING COP SHOOTS FAMILY PETS WITHOUT PROVOCATION.   Speaking of Akitas, I found out they are not shy about following cops on top of their squad cars.  Yes, they can jump up onto the hood of a police car just as well as a cop on the run, across the roof and down the trunk and by golly they arent affected by being struck on the snout with a night stick.  Why didn't I shoot you ask?  Well there were too many people around and if the round would have cleared the dog and struck an innocent person, well you know how that would have turned out.  Luckily Tasers work very well on dogs.