State Farm Giveth and Allstate Taketh Away
Did you know that all State Farm agents are imbued with mystical powers that not only allow them to magically appear when summoned, but also grant every wish for you and your slacker friends? Not only can they themselves be summoned, but they can also make the person whom you are sexually attracted, to suddenly be placed in an awkward situation with you and your buds gawking at them. Then of course, they fall madly in love with you simply because they happen to be in the same room with you.
I wanted to just brush this off as a bad commercial at first, and even go so far as to applaud them for not doing the blatant fear mongering that has become the industry standard. I want to, but I think that this is part of a bigger picture. At the same time that State Farm is demonstrating their sorcery, Allstate came out with an eerily similar commercial demonstrating their mastery of the dark arts.
Mayhem takes the form of distracted teenage drivers, bank executives, and heavy storms to destroy your property. I not only shit my pants when I saw these commercials, but also built and locked myself up in a panic room. Now thats some good old fashion insurance commercials! I find it funny that the guy who just ruined your car is also the same guy whos trying to sell you the insurance. I hope everyone paid their protection money this month so they dont get a visit from Allstate agent Tommy, who will demonstrate on your car why you need protection.
Whats really disturbing about these two sets of commercials is knowing that somewhere down the line no one will believe the narrative theyre selling more than themselves. How do I know this? Well, Ive seen it happen many times over just the last two years. If you hooked the executives of BP up to a lie detector I bet dollars to doughnuts they truly do believe theyre moving the world beyond petroleum. Goldman Sachs still insists that paying their top guys $500,000 a year is worth it because you need to recruit the best talent. McDonalds probably honestly believes they have healthy food on the menu. Wal-Mart will most likely insist that they help the communities theyre in by providing jobs and livable wages. If they believe hard enough, they will gain the powers that they presented in their commercials.
In the spirit of suddenly gaining magic powers, I will now look into my crystal ball and predict what happens next: I see... I see light and dark. I see State Farm and Allstate in an ultimate battle for every soul in America. But wait! Suddenly, they come together for a common goal. They seem to be having trouble selling their products on its merits, so they do what worked for them before. They lobby congress to make their product mandatory. Except, they go a little further this time. They demand congress recognize that they have transcended their worldly corporation status and demand to be recognized as a cross-realm spiritual entity to whom the laws do not apply.
Now I see you. You have a happy family, but right now things dont look so good for you. An agent comes to your door to inform you that your payment is late. Having already sold your cars and cut back on silly things like heat and food for the month you dont have any more to give him. Now you and your family are being taken from your home as it is set ablaze for not paying them, which is all of course perfectly legal.
Now, with nowhere else to go, youre moving into your neighbors house. Despite your feelings of anger and pride, you vow never to put your family through such and ordeal again. So you do what needs to be done. You take out an insurance policy on your neighbors house. Only then is the true irony of the situation realized when your request gets denied because it would give you an incentive to burn down your neighbors house.