"So, this is what I've become"...
...I thought, sitting there in the dark in front of the computer at whatever fucking hour of the early morning it was. I really don't remember much of that evening. But what I do remember I wish I could forget.
I remember buying all the drugs I could afford. Sitting in front me on the desk was roughly $3K worth of Oxycontin, Percocet, Morphine, Methadone and Soma. Also, two bottles of very nice wine, one red and one white. I wasn't sure which color went with pills for dinner so I grabbed both.
My marriage was over. My job in the shitter. My kids hated me. My family hated me. Worst of all, I hated me. I had already taken (these are guesstimates) 320mg of Oxycontin, 100mg Percocet, 30mg Morphine, 10mg Methadone no Soma yet and had emptied the white wine. By all accounts I should not have been functioning at all. My heart should have stopped and my lungs given out. Considering my tolerance level though, I was doing just fine.
I knew I had MORE than enough to kill me...lol....I had enough to kill ten me's. I counted the pills several times over. All I could do was cry. I drank more wine, so much so that I ran to the store for more. The trip alone would have sent me to prison for many years if caught. God I'm fucking stupid.
What stopped me that night? The first text from my daughter in many months. It said, simply..."how are u doin dad?"