Yes it's true, I am not your average woman. I hate shopping. I generally feel uncomfortable with amassing useless shiny baubles, getting my nails done so often it becomes a burden on my time, adorning my body with whatever ugly clothing the squawking idiot box shows as an example, or bathing myself in a cloud of perfume. I especially hate the act of purchasing these useless ornaments.

Ah but now it is time to empty the wallet in the name of the holiest of holidays, so that the neighbors and coworkers may judge me as equals. *VOMITS UNCONTROLABLY* Pardon me. Anyway, it's time to go shopping.

I tend to feel a bit anxious in crowds of people anyway, so having to do my Christmas shopping right along side everyone else in town is that much more unpleasant for me. Why does everyone else have to do their shopping at the same time? Oh yeah, because they have to buy mountains of useless shit for people they barely know, too.

So I trudge along the isles, trying not to run my cart into random old ladies and unattended bratty children. Ok, maybe I'm not trying very hard, but I have to have a little bit of fun, don't I? Hehehehehe. Scanning the shelves for items that would be suitable for gift giving, I notice something. Take some ordinary object, make it green and red, slap a bow on it, and suddenly it is the perfect Christmas gift. Don't believe me? A can of peanuts. Who the hell decided that it would be acceptable to give a can of peanuts for Christmas? Yet they are all over the shelves, just regular old peanuts in a Christmassy looking can. Wow. Anything to make money. That's what Christmas is all about, right?

OK, I have had just about enough of this shit. Time to head to the register. Actually, as I approach the register, I realize I should have brought a tent. Why is it that there are 30 checkout lines, and only about 10 of them are open at any one time? WTF. I understand that the wages they offer for this position do not attract the most reliable of personnel, but come on. Why even have 30 registers? That's such a tease! It's as bad as diet ice cream.

Finally I move through the line, place my items on the counter., and wait for the verdict. But wait- before she gives me the total she tries to sell me the store credit card. I know I know this is standard practice, but it still sucks.

I finally pay the cashier, push my cart out to the parking lot, and load my purchases into the car. I drive home remembering the things I intended to buy, battling holiday traffic all the way. As I arrive home and bring in all of these lovely items, I remember another aspect of gift giving that I am less than fond of- wrapping all this shit. All of this needs to be wrapped in pretty paper, and for some reason I can never seem to find any tape in the house. I don't have any idea what that's all about, but I am about ready to whip out the duct tape.

As I am sitting in the scraps of colorful paper, dazed, confused, and exhausted, I realize something. We haven't had Thanksgiving yet. Can't we just have one holiday at a time? What has happened to us?