Once upon a time there was a guy named George.  Like many, even early, Americans, George had a huge problem.    George had a ship, but no house, or land of his own.  He needed food, and shelter, and because he was an American he needed it irrationally quickly, and as cheaply as possible.  He needed to find a much more efficient way of surviving, because all of the hard work he had to do at the time just wasn't working for him.

Of course, traveling far and for long periods was out of the question, so he planned a trip to the nearest settlement - early Canada.  For some reason, instead of walking or taking a horse into Canada, he decided it would be easier to convince a bunch of his friends (through promise of a much more care-free and easy life) run/maintain his ship for him.  After much procrastination, and near starvation, George set out to find other societies to see what they did to make life easier.   They decided it would be best to pack whatever food and goods they could find, and George sent his crew around to gather a grocery list of items for the trip.   Flour, fresh water, smoked meat, spices, tobacco etc.  Soon they were packed up and ready to go.

The trip was going well, for the first day.   Everything was going well until it came time to prepare the first meal.  They very quickly discovered two huge issues that George had not addressed, due to the last minute planning and departure.  First of all, they didn't have any women on board to cook for them, as they had grown very accustom to on land.  All of the Americans on board had abandoned their families, and even stole up to 50 or so percent of their food and goods from them before they left... so going back for assistance from their estranged wives was out of the question.  The only option the crew had was to try and make something themselves, using the memories they had of their wives cooking for them at home as a reference.... which is where they discovered the second problem.    See... George was only able to find gullible crew members... not only were they abundant, they were the only ones who bought into his "easy life" vision.  It was fine and dandy at the time, but George overlooked one key factor. Unlike him, his crew couldn't read.  So instead of stealing what they thought were bags of Flour, they stole bags of  Sugar.   They had to make due with what they had, and as a result they invented Candy.

But George was as innovative as he was lazy.  He saw these problems as something that needed to be addressed for future travelers.  He started taking notes that he would take back with him and preach to the people when he returned.  He taught his crew how to read and write as well, so they too could make notes for when they got back.  This gave birth to many institutions and values of the historic American culture we know today.   In addition to proposing that women be the property of men (so they could take them on their travels as cooking tools and entertainment), eating nothing but sugar and beef jerky caused much tooth decay which gave them speech impediments, or  what we know as the "Southern American Accent" which is still prevalent in toothless Americans today.

Eventually they landed in Canada.  Canadians felt sorry for them with their toothless mouths and morbid weight gain due to their on-board diet and offered their charity and even knowledge on survival.
In exchange for candy, the Canadians taught the Americans about not wasting food.  Instead of killing a bunch of animals for only the good parts of them, they proposed using the unwanted parts, even their poop, as resources so they didn't need as many animals.  Less animals to feed, the less work involved, thus easier life.  For example they made gravy out of the drippings from cooked meats and flour.   The Americans didn't buy into it (especially the concept of bagged milk), and actually thought Canada was ripping them off, until one Canadian took a piece of pig intestine and stuffed it full of left over, and not so desirable meats and spices.  They were very reluctant to try this wiener-looking concoction , but when George was the first of the Americans to try it, with it's tender, easy-to-gum texture, and surprisingly decent taste, he cried "Hawt Diggity Dawg! I recon we's dun gots sum'm 'ere".   
 They eventually almost entirely replaced their candy diet with the hot dog diet, and spent most of their days helping Canadians make the delicious food. The invention of the Hot Dog was the main reason the Americans initially warmed up to the Canadians. (Only to try and fuck with them less than 100 years later, but we know what happened there).  Since they did not bring any American women with them, they began to mate with Canadians, sparking what some believe to be the odd brotherly type relationship/rival/ we have today.

  Within only a few months the Americans started losing weight and were benefiting so much from their free, healthier system for living, that they almost completely lost focus on their initial goal of finding an easier and more luxurious way of life.  Besides that, they really had no reason to leave Canada and their way of life... until of course winter came.  Having lost so much weight, fornicating and working with the Canadians,  the winter weather was unbearable without their candy and smoked meat induced insulation.  After spending WAY too much time in igloos the Canadians made during winter migration, and the after Spring melt began, they prepared to set sail for new, and warmer lands.  Winter rekindled the want for an easy-going, laid-back lifestyle with minimal work... at that point they believe they had earned it.   Their most recent experiences prior to departure left a bad taste in their toothless mouths.   They had asked too much of the Canadians when they tried to get them to leave with them on their journey.  That along with slacking off, and complaining about conditions in Canada, Canadians no longer respected them as the heroine genius-candy-inventing travelers they once were. Despite their differences, Canada was too nice to send them out on a doomed suicide mission, well without supplies, and packed up their new neighbors and baby daddies with some of their extra resources, and sent them on their way to find warmer, luxurious lands...  The Americans after underestimating the intelligence and pride of Canadians, left with their recipes for Hot Dogs and Candy, but not before both sides developed ever lasting stereotypes about the other.   "Americans are greedy, lazy, thiefs", "Canadians live in igloos and live off Maple Syrup" (both disguising the Canadian use of the Candy recipe and downplaying their invention of the hot dog - claiming it as their own).

Where they were going now?  They didn't know.  They believed that going south would make them much warmer since going North was colder.  So they figured if they go farther South than America, they will be warmer than in even America.  But what would they find?
 
(to be continued... yeah that's right WC, I'm making this blog extra long just for you)