Well, it's official.  If I had video of my wife banging strange men during our marriage and before our separation, it would not impact the terms of the divorce at all.  Unless you have a prenup that addresses it specifically, the judge won't even want to hear about it.  If the kids are harmed by it directly, it might have an impact on custody, but it's still a "not fault" divorce if your spouse is banging anything that moves.

When my divorced co-workers told me that, I didn't believe them.  Now that two lawyers have told me the same thing, I believe them.

I guess there's no reason for me not to be dating now.

I had one meaningless interlude with somebody I didn't know before I went into liver failure.  She was 23 and I hooked up with her after I busted out of a poker tourney at some downtown dive of a casino.  As I was walking out, they announced buy one get one free shots at whatever lame lounge they had.  I sat down next to her and we took turns buying each other shots of Patron.  My single instincts clicked on after a few shots.  "Are the rooms here nice?"   "Does your room have a good view?"

She brought me back up to her room and there was a lot of making out.  I don't carry around condoms, so when things progressed up to that point, I went down to the gift shop of the hotel to buy some.  I spent $15 on a three pack of crappy condoms and went back up to her room.  I was absolutely certain that she wasn't going to answer the door when I got back to her room.  My fears were unfounded.  I went absolutely primal from midnight until 6:00 am.  At about 4:00, she found out I was 42.  She freaked the fuck out.  She started calling me papi (she was Mexican).  I was kind of grossed out.  I found out later from a Mexican friend that in this context it means more like daddy as in "who's your daddy?" rather than father.  It didn't stop me from using that last condom though.  I was kind of freaked out afterwards.  I was kind of drunk when we started, but sober by the time we finished.  She fell asleep and I bugged the fuck out.  I was really torn up about it afterwards.  Even though I knew my wife was fucking whoever she wanted to, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was cheating.

I told a friend at work and he brought me this cheesy medal from some kid's toy the next day. 

"What the fuck is this?"

"You bagged your first tourist.  It's a milestone for every local."

Now I'm going to be a Vegas story.  I'm going to be "that old dude" that fucked the shit out of her while she was on vacation.

What's weird is I went out on a date with somebody that's really cool last week and I was so stressed out at the end of the date that I didn't even kiss her.  When there was nothing at stake, I could break a headboard with a twenty three year old's head being a pelvis thrusting cave man.  When I spent a nice evening connecting with somebody I wanted to see again, I felt like an eighth grader on his first date and blew it.

I'm going out with her tomorrow.  I'll do better, I promise.  I might just open the date with an explanation and kiss her then, just to get it out of the way. 

I can't let my wife beat me in this divorce.  I have to do what I need to do to be happy.  I need to show and be shown affection to be a happy person.  I have no desire to be alone and spend time on myself.  I need to interact with women.  I'm not going to hook up with anybody I met swinging with my wife.  I'm going to close that chapter in my life.  I thought I was saving my marriage.  I thought it was titilating.  Now I'm kind of grossed out by it.  I'm kind of dating two women right now.  The one I'm going out with tomorrow (who's a few years older than I, but smoking hot) and the asian chick I was talking about last blog.  She' moving to Arizona though.  That's a dead end.  When I get physical with one, I'll cut the other one off.

My wife is dead to me.  I have no regrets there anymore.  I was leaving to hike with the kids at 12:30 and she rolled her ass out of bed from going out last night and complained that she wanted to take them to the book store. 

"Fine, we'll be back before 4:00.  You can do it then."

I texted her we were on our way home just before 4:00 so she wouldn't wonder if we'd get back in time and asked if we needed to pick up anything on the way home.

She said, "No, I'm shopping right now.  Do you need anything?"

"We're almost out of bread."

"OK"

That was 4 1/2 hours ago.  Must be long lines at the store.  I have no idea why she feels compelled to lie to me about this shit.