Yes, I admit, I have indeed murdered today. The count was four, so I can now be categorized as a serial murderer! If I had acted more quickly then I would consider myself an abortionist. A Dr. Kevorkian disciple. But no, due to my daily struggles I procrastinated until this day.

It started about three weeks ago, a customer, his name, Cid McDoom, requested I remove a hazardous bird nest perched above his stove venting system. For obvious reasons the impacted grasses provided a fire hazard and had to be removed.

I waited as my own life challenges removed the possibility of me removing the nest before the chicks were born.

Today I was finally able to address the fire hazard. I observed the Momma bird entering and exiting the fan exhaust. I waited till she left and opened the flanges to remove the nest. Inside I saw four sweet tender chicks with bright yellow beaks chirping vigorously for food. I reached in, grabbed the nest and hurled to the ground, killing all but one chick. I hurried down the ladder, squeezed the little chicks throat, so that it died quickly.

I truly, hated doing this necessary job. I'm totally against abortion and yet I have participated in a similar action.

To prevent future nesting at  that location a metal barricade was installed. As I installed it, the mother bird started to dive bomb me and eventually pecked at my forearms. I felt so sad for it, I didn't hit it. My arms are now full of bird bites. It's like a stigmata, I guess? As soon as I got down off the ladder, I coated my arms in iodine, to prevent infection.

My wife thinks I might get some rare infection now and has requested that I sleep on the couch.

Am I an abortionist? A murderer? Have I been infected with bird flu? Was preventing a house fire within a row unit the right thing to do? Should I have suggested to Cid McDoom to eat out until the chicks have flown the coup?