Recently, I've come under sexual attack for my interest in the sexual practice known as teabagging.
Before I address the specific calumnities tossed my way by an evil woman , let me say that if a man enjoys lowering his scrotum into his partner's mouth, and enjoys having his partner suck on one testicle, then the other, and then, if possible, both testicles at once, followed by a judicious application of the tongue to the base of the scrotum, sometimes accompanied by a gentle stroking of the penis, then I say that man should be granted his fun, and should be permitted to look for other teabag afficionados however and wherever he can. No one can disagree with me on that point. Right?
Apparently I was most emphatically wrong, as expressed by my current (possibly soon ex) girlfriend just this evening. I have been notified that I am now on "sex restriction" until further notice because of my perverse want to tea-bag the woman I love. I asked her, why is it wrong?
Why Does a man have to behave in private as he commands others to behave in public?
Isn't morality fungible, after all? And, let's face it. I'm a celebrity. If I put out a call on the Internet looking to get my balls sucked by willing women, don't you think I'm gonna get a lot of steamy offers? What would you do, (Girldfriends name omitted)? Would you be an exemplary rock of celibacy, or would you squirt hot jizz into 100 willing mouths?
These are stressful times. The threat of war looms over us like a looming cloud. I think a little teabagging, for someone who has an important public-opinion-shaping job like mine, is just what the midwife ordered. And I think all would agree that are reading this, amiright?
Except, apparently, my Girlfriend. Recently she has uncovered the shocking fact that I've been trolling for teabagging partners on bulletin boards at America Online, a known repository of perversion, and "The Atlantic",where a surprising teabagging subculture has appeared. She has told me I am now a pervert of the highest caliber and deserving of no more sex until she deems it proper. My question to her was, Really?
I still believe women should spend more time with their loved ones balls daintily placed in their mouths. It's their duty as women, and as Americans.
We haven't slurped the last hair off this teabagging debate, and I now come to you, my loyal com padres at EbaumsWorld to give me your opinion on this, in my estimation VERY important subject. Please comment below so I can show my Girl the truth as it is.