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Chernobyl

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As an anxious person with tendencies toward obsessive compulsive disorder some things send me running for my Lorazepam.  I am paranoid of bot flies, lung flukes (but oddly have a fondness for hookworms), eye parasites (yes they fucking exist), scabies, bed bugs, house centipedes and their supernatural powers they possess such as levitating, and finally spirochetes which are the bacteria that cause multiple diseases including LYME DISEASE.

Spirochetes possess paranormal abilities more powerful than "The Agents" from The Matrix.  If you read Stephen Harrod Buhner's book on Lyme disease I guarantee it will be scarier than any Stephen King novel you've ever read.  Perhaps when I said "paranoid," I should have said "paranoid with psychotic features."

scabie.jpgScabie And my prior work in a busy medical clinic only escalated the range and depth of my fears.  I would hear my clinician co-workers on the phone with their patients discussing all sorts of horrifying conditions.  One clinician and I shared similar fears.  One time she became convinced she had scabies.  (Several of us often became convinced we had some condition and those who currently weren't paranoid about having something would talk the person down.  It was a weekly, if not daily, occurrence.)  My co-worker and I pulled up the online medical journal to read about scabies which not only escalated her fears of having them but also convinced me that I had contracted scabies from her.  Have you ever seen a penis infested with scabies?  Well, I have.  They just love to get all up in your junk.
Last week I wandered into my bedroom and noticed my bed condom was covered with little black dots.  (My bed condom is a top sheet covering my comforter in case the cats sleep on my bed while I'm not home.)  I inspected the black dots closer and discovered, to my horror, THEY HAD LEGS.  Knowing that condoms aren't 100% effective I looked in the sheets and noticed they were there too.  They were all dead, but at one point they were alive, right?!  I began checking other spots throughout the house: the cat blanket in the living room, the pet bed in the office, more black dots!  I was under attack by an unknown enemy.  My own personal September 11th.  
I took a large piece of scotch tape and adhered some of the vermin to the tape then folded it in half imprisoning their remains.  I ran to my computer and immediately began doing google image searches attempting identify the terrorist cell so I could plan my attack.  I looked up bed bugs, flea larvae, chewing lice, all tick varieties, etc.  Ultimately, my vermin were so small I couldn't identify them with the naked eye.  Despite being attacked by unknown terrorists I jumped into action.
I grabbed some Frontline, a broad-spectrum insecticide for pets, and treated my dog and two cats.  I was toying with the idea of treating myself with it but then I came to my senses.  "I'll just torch the place," I thought calmly, "Yes, I'll just get some gasoline and burn the house down.  My landlord will understand." 
And then I went Chernobyl on their asses.
Bleach!  It's so toxic and dangerously beautiful.  I love bleach and it's sacred killing abilities.  I grabbed every item I could and brought them down to the laundry room.  First I put them in the dryer on high to kill anything.  "I'll smoke them out."  Then I put them in the wash with half a gallon of bleach, and of course the double rinse cycle.  Then back into the dryer.  I used bleach by the gallons.  My eyes began to burn.  Was it from the bleach fumes or from madness I cannot be sure.  While the wash was going on I vacuumed and washed all the floors. 
I called my friend to see if he could help.  He's a fly fisherman and ties his own flies so he owns a fluorescent magnifying lamp. "I need to come over and use your magnifying lamp." "Why?" I updated him on what I had found. "I am taking those muthafuckas down!  Operation Shock and Awe is underway!  I'm smokin' them out of their holes and bringing them to justice.  They need to pay for what they've done.  I will destroy the enemy for the safety of my household and all of it's inhabitants.  So I need to come by and use your lamp to id the target." "Id the target?  Are you okay?"  He asked.
The scene from Apocalypse Now where there are severed heads on sticks when Captain Benjamin Willard is in a canoe going to find Kurtz flashed through my mind.  I could hear Jim Morrison singing "This is the end, beautiful friend, the end..." 
"Ah, hello?  Are you there?" He interrupted. "Yeah, I'm coming over."
I arrived at his house and we both examined the creatures under the lamp.   I educated him on how to inform me of his verdict since he could be a little "passionate" and I could be a little "nervous."

"Okay, if you think they are deer ticks don't say, 'JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THEY ARE DEER TICKS AND YOU ARE DYING OF LYME DISEASE!'  Instead choose words and a tone as if you were telling a 5 year old a bed time story."  My friend's verdict was "Inconclusive."  The bastards were so small we still couldn't tell what they were.  
Knowing that they definitely came from one of my pets I then went to the vet.  I sat anxiously in the exam room while they took my vermin tape to view under their microscope. The doctor entered the room and announced, "You have deer ticks." "What can you give me doc?  Can you test me for Lyme?"  "Ah, I'm a veterinarian.  Did you Frontline your pets?" "Yes.  And I bleached the fuck out of my house." "Okay then.  Well, it sounds like they were all dead or almost dead from your previous Frontline treatment but you should get yourself checked out just to be safe."
The room began to spin.  Her voice now muffled.  Immediately I itched all over.  I could feel the spirochetes eating through my cartilage as I sat there.  They love that shit.  It's like spirochete crack!  I began to notice various aches and pains throughout my entire body.  I was spiking a fever.  I just knew it.  "What if those ticks also had aids or scabies?" I thought.  I sat their immobilized.
"So, ah, there's nothing I can really do for you here.  You can leave now."
Of course, because I was recently laid off I had no health insurance because my former employer screwed it up and they were being as helpful as a yeast infection to get it fixed.  
I knew there was a prophylactic antibiotic protocol to prevent Lyme.  And I had a large inventory of my dog's antibiotics at home because of a health condition he has.   So, once again, I took my pet's medication (unfortunately, this was not the first occasion I have resorted to taking my pet's meds.)  
Desperate times call for desperate measures.  
pullmyfunnybone Uploaded 10/27/2011
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