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'Twas the Night before Tuesday

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Twas the night before Tuesday, when all through the house

A man sits with indifference, clicking a white mouse

Because he is bored, and with nothing to do

He decides to browse Amazon to buy something new
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Though he wants not a thing, his needs are fulfilled

He continues to shop, for time must be killed

DVDs and CDs, and Blue-rays galore

With nothing of interest, he searches for more

.

Movie upon movie, the titles he did browse

Hoping for that special thing, that thing thatd arouse

The chemical secretion that the brain does emit

When it finds what it wants, so he can buy it

.

Within the assortment of goods, but one caught his eye

He clicks product details, and proceeds to stand by

Upon the computer screen, with a glitch and a flutter

Came a box-set of movies he could shelve with his clutter

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The John Candy Collection he just now desired

Contained classic comedies during youth he admired

Uncle Buck and Summer Rental, Spaceballs and Stripes

The Great Outdoors he remembers was a movie thats nice

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Nothing but Troubles a flick thats best to forget

But it still deserves a place within the box set

Canadian Bacon John did just before he passed

But most say Wagons East, a falsehood thatll last

.

March 4th of 94, the day the world did weep

For thats when our dear funnyman forever fell asleep

With his mind decided to buy this collection

He clicked list price to see the worth of his affection

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Fifty-eight dollars was more than he could spend

He doubted his roommates had money theyd lend

He pictured all the movies perched upon his shelf

And resolved to find a way to satisfy himself

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He mined through couch cushions and drawers filled with junk

It was at that moment he realized he was drunk

Monday nights for people who have little to do

Crack the bottle early and one drink becomes two

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Then two drinks becomes three, then three turns to four

And the body becomes transfixed on having just one more

With a half a bottle gone, and a void to satisfy

Is the reason he searches for things he can buy

.

Things he doesnt need, and to be honest, doesnt want

But he convinces he does, lest urges will taunt

For a cavity thats trenched within a blank existence

Must be filled with more goods with substantial persistence

.

With reluctance he retrieves his card from billfold

Already his appetite feels more consoled

He types the cards numbers with blazing precision

Already in his mind, he regrets the decision

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He types the information with each keyboard key smack

Along with expiration date and three-digits on the back

As his eyes grow heavy, midnight the clock did tick

He purchased all the movies with a single mouse click

.

Beneath the warm covers he finally did crawl

And into a deep sleep he eventually did fall

For he knew a hangover would tomorrow encumber

So rest well he must, drift off to soft slumber

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With sweet thoughts of the antics of Cool Runnings in mind

Notions of Jamaican bobsledders was comedy defined

The next morning he awoke with a pain in his head

He reached for the water he kept by his bed

.

With swigs and sucks and guzzles galore

He downed the whole glass and soon needed more

After drowning his parched core, his immediate needs met

He awoke his computer and turned on the TV set

.

Your orders been shipped! said the email from sender

His heart filled with glee, satisfaction and splendor

He selected Package Tracking from the message that was sent

To learn that Toledo was the journeys extent

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Its delivery date did the message predict

Was the following Tuesday, but he knew the day picked

Wasnt always the day the package would arrive

Because of variables like how the deliverer drives

.

Or conditions of the roads or slow cars to pass by

But if events are superb the drop-off date it will defy

For it could come a day sooner than the email foretold

But it was out of his hands, no factor he controlled

.

Finally the day came that he yearned for so long

His doorbell chime echoed the usual ding-dong

Out of his bed he dashes with tremendous passion

His heart skipped a beat, his red cheeks turned ashen

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He descended the steps with the speed of a sprinter

And opened the front door that blocked the chill winter

Standing in pajamas he glanced by to see

A deliveryman bounding past an oak tree

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Leaping into the brown truck with an exquisite fine skip

Then a quick wave and a honk before he continued his trip

With the box firmly wrapped within his bent arm

He brought it to his chest to protect it from harm

.

He opened the box to reveal whats inside

He removed the bubble wrap and tossed it aside

He admired his treasure, the thing he longed for

The product he craved that he couldnt ignore

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From the glossy slipcases to the viewers guide books

He thumbed the DVDs and gave pages quick looks

He positioned each case expertly on the shelf

Assessed his great work, content with himself

.

With his fulfillment fleeting and with nothing to do

He hopped back online to shop for things new

Back he was browsing to satisfy his lust

While his collection sat dormant, only to collect dust


By: Noah Regan

Reganomics82 Uploaded 12/12/2011
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