Bath Salts: Hilarious New Cause of Tragedy
Bath Salts are the new face-eating drug craze sweeping the nation. After Rudy Eugene went all Hometown Buffet on that one dude, other people figured that Rudy wouldn't have done it if it wasn't fun, and sales of the drug skyrocketed. Here are some of the best news stories:
--Dude Kills Goat--
from the Charleston Gazette:
"Police say an Alum Creek man high on bath salts killed his neighbor's pygmy goat and that neighbors found him in his bedroom, dressed in a bra and panties, next to the dead animal."
The bra and panties he was wearing made his claims of raping the goat in self-defense difficult to believe.
--Dude Dies During Orgy--
From the Miami Herald:
"One man, who died after injecting himself with four massive doses... during an orgy, was also an insulin-dependent diabetic who was HIV positive and suffered from chronic renal disease, high blood pressure and coronary artery disease."
If you have HIV at an orgy, the best-case scenario is that the bath salts kill you before you REALLY become the unpopular guy at the orgy.
--Dude Chased by Electricity--
From the Patriot News (whatever the hell that is):
"Seth Thomas Sanders...ditched his car...because he thought it was melting and electricity was following him."
Ironically, the cops chased him down and electrocuted him with a taser.
--Dude Has Intrusive Thoughts About Imaginary Intruders--
From the Medina Gazette (what's the deal with all these gazettes and bath salts?):
"[He] called police because he thought there were 30 intruders in the house, but none were found when police arrived... He said [the intruders] were trying to make it seem like they were not there, and they would try to blend into their surroundings, like chairs and trees, Starcher said."
Eventually he broke down and tearfully admitted to the cops that he was high on bath salts, at which point they gleefully tased him.
--Woman Bites Dude, Eats Dirt--
From Fox Dallas-Fort Worth (where Fort Worth Residents get their news on Dallas) :
"After biting him, he recalled, the woman dropped to all fours and began 'digging in the ground, like a dog would.'"
There were 3 witnesses, one of which was also high on bath salts. They described her behavior as "erratic," "disturbing," and "I want to fuck that tractor."