I once saw a Morris Dancer doing scissor kicks on an ice rink, so I chased after the local priest with a stuffed teddy bear cos I thought the wool inside it was the foam that's spewed from the mouth of Satan himself. I didn't get far with that, so I took a dump on my grandad's car bonnet and wrote a quote from my favourite film, Justin B**ber: Never Say Never, in the faeces.

Now here I stand copiously busy growing this beard, and my life seems complete for once. However tucking my genitals between my legs in order to pretend I'm female has taken its toll on my bollocks. Now I eagerly await the day they descend back out of my body so I can finally fulfil my dream of teabagging the forehead of the disabled hobo that resides outside of Halifax bank as he lies comatose in the street.