Job Interview Gone Wrong
Mary Poppins' Job Interview:
George Banks: Alright, I'd like to thank you for coming...um...Ms. Poppins...that's the name on your resume.
Mary Poppins: That's right.
Mr. Banks: Poppins...bit of an unusual name. Are you from London?
Ms. Poppins: No. I floated out of the clouds.
Mr. Banks: Sorry. The question was too personal but there's no need to be cynical.
Ms. Poppins: But I really...
Mr. Banks: Anyway, you're here to look after my five children, Jane, Michael, John, Barbara and Annabel. (Phone rings and George answers.) What? Oh, how did that happen? I see. Never mind. Ms. Poppins it seems that for the purposes of you're employment you will only be looking after two children, Jane and Michael.
Ms. Poppins: Very well.
Mr. Banks: But I hope you understand that as a parent of a rapidly diminishing family I need to know you shall provide the best in care for them.
Ms. Poppins: Well, I am “Practically perfect in every way.”
Mr. Banks: Right. Well, what would you do if the children took ill with a fever.
Ms. Poppins: I would give them a dash of medicine followed by a spoonful of sugar.
Mr. Banks: Medicine? What kind of medicine? Are you a licensed nurse?
Ms. Poppins: No...and just regular medicine...but followed by sugar.
Mr. Banks: I see, well what if it was a headache?
Ms. Poppins: Some medicine, and then some sugar.
Mr. Banks: Pimples?
Ms. Poppins: Medicine, then sugar.
Mr. Banks: Broken legs?
Ms. Poppins: Definitely medicine, then...
Mr. Banks: ...right, sugar, I've got the idea. I'd hate to ask what you'd give them if they contracted diabetes.
Ms. Poppins: Probably...
Mr. Banks: Nevermind. With all of this sugar I hope they will be getting plenty of exercise?
Ms. Poppins: Oh, yes! I shall whisk them away to far-away lands!
Mr. Banks: (Shocked) What? Are you saying you're going to kidnap my children and take them out of the country?
Ms. Poppins: Oh, heaven's, no! But going to see Eskimos and penguins and the Chinese can be very stimulating for a child.
Mr. Banks: (Quietly aside) As if the sugar wouldn't be over stimulating. (Addressing Mary Poppins again) So let me get this straight. You intend to take my children to Antarctica, unescorted?
Ms. Poppins: Oh, no!
Mr. Banks: Well, I'm relieved to hear that!
Ms. Poppins: I'd bring Bert.
Mr. Banks: Who the devil is Bert?
Ms. Poppins: A chimney sweep.
Mr. Banks: (Obviously frustrated and angry) So you're saying that somehow you believe it will be perfectly fine for my children to run off with you and some strange man covered in coal soot to China...
Ms. Poppins: ...or Africa or a different planet or...
Mr. Banks: Listen. I'd really prefer the children stay in England unless they are traveling with my wife and I. In fact, the way you speak I'm almost afraid to let them leave the house now.
Ms. Poppins: Well that wouldn't be healthy.
Mr. Banks: Of course. Couldn't you just do something with them in London?
Ms. Poppins: Yes! Of course. I could take them to an upside down tea party!
Mr. Banks: I feel I will regret asking this but what is an upside down tea party?
Ms. Poppins: Well, it's like an under-the sea garden party, except instead of being wet it's on the ceiling.
Mr. Banks: I was right. I'm sorry I asked. Let me guess. There will be sugar at these parties?
Ms. Poppins: Of course! for the tea.
Mr. Banks: Which even though it's upside down won't fall out of the cups. That would have to be a lot of sugar to make the tea that thick.
Ms. Poppins: Well not as much as would be in the cakes.
Mr. Banks: Nevermind. What about outdoor exercise?
Ms. Poppins: (Thinking hard) I know! I could launch the children into the air on kites!
Mr. Banks: Right. I can't imagine the risk that would represent.
Ms. Poppins: Why none at all.
Mr. Banks: Presumably because the chimney sweep will be there.
Ms. Poppins: Why yes! How did you know?
Mr. Banks: Let's just say I'm beginning to see a pattern.
Ms. Poppins: If you want I could sugar the kites.
Mr. Banks: No, that will be fine. Um...listen...you will also be expected to (deep sigh) help the children with their studies. Can you do that?
Ms. Poppins: But of course! Learning is so very important.
Mr. Banks: (Relieved) That's good to hear. I work in a bank, so I have always stressed the importance of strong math skills. That's why I encouraged the children to start their own savings accounts and keep track of their money.
Ms. Poppins: Oh, dear. That can be a problem.
Mr. Banks: Problem? What? You know of a better way?
Ms. Poppins: Absolutely. The children should take all of their money out of the bank and spend it on...
Mr. Banks: ...Wait, this is a long shot, but you're going to say “sugar”.
Ms. Poppins: No! Candy!
Mr. Banks: Of course. Silly me.
Ms. Poppins: Yes. Silly man, trying to convince me that banks exist. The very thought!
Mr. Banks: Alright. So in summary, I should hire you because you intend to give my children mystery medicines and feed them a steady diet of sugar. You will encourage them to stop their education and you will plunge them under the waves of the sea without breathing apparatus. You will throw them into the stratosphere on kites or, if you feel that's too high you'll just glue them to the ceiling. All while going about your own business and pawning them off on a dirty man named Bert.
Ms. Poppins: Yes!
Mr. Banks: Maybe Bert has some references I can look into. Did he come out of the clouds as well or is he a native of England?
Ms. Poppins: No, he is foreign and here on false pretenses, but he has a wonderfully fake sounding accent.
Mr. Banks: Get out.
Ms. Poppins: Hm? So you'll send me a telegram as to when I can start?
Mr. Banks: Leave my house and if you ever so much as look at my children I shall hurl bricks at you.
There were some select words following this, but they are not fit for print.