The Five Classic People In Slasher Movies

    This is one of my favorite topics to talk about. There are so many easy escapes it's amazing that these people can't think of any and die. There could over one thousand good survival strategies and they all pick the very one that ultimately leads to their certain untimely death. Let's look at the typical people involved in these movies. This isn't necessarily the standard for all slasher movies, but it's a good one to choose. There's the jock, slut, nerd, druggie, and of course the virgin girl. And if it's a movie just based on gore and has no plot, there will usually be a few random people thrown in to be killed just to keep the blood shed requirement up. It'd be a really short movie if all the main kills happened with no plot points. They also die in the most obsurd ways possible. It's almost too obsurd. 

1) The jock
The jock and slut are the first two to bite it. It doesn't matter which one goes first, it can go either way. I'll cover both ways here. First, let's assume that the jock is first to die. Naturally he's dumb as rocks and never accepts the fact that everyone around him is dying until it's his time to be killed in  a hilarious fashion. You know, when all your friends start to dissapear one by one, there's no chance that they're all being killed off. He's either in sone serious denial, or he's just stupid. Let's go with stupid.

Yea........They're all alive. Don't worry.

    At the start of all the madness, he acts out as the angry loud mouth willing to kill his own friends out of sheer rage and lack of intellect. And probably steroids. This guy's a juicer. Generally he fights with the slut, who is also exteremely in lack of a brain, and the virgin girl. No one likes virgins right? Right. In this case he's going to die first. This happens when he realizes trouble is afoot and he decides that because he plays football or some shit that he's more than capable of killing the psychopathic killing machine who will stop at nothing to end them all for one stupid reason just full of plot holes. 
 
    No plot holes here? No. A zombie hockey goalie wielding a machete leaves no possibility for questions to rise.

    So at this point, they have had brief contact with the ender of days. Most of the time it happens like this. It's a dark, gloomy, stormy night in a cabin somewhere. The ideal place for a group of young people to escape to for a weekend of drinking, drugs, and all kinds of fucking.......And murder. Do these people not check the weather before doing these things? Being this is the prime time for murder, he'll show that he's there by being outside a window perfectly when lightning strikes s they all can see him and I'm sure for his amusement, shit themselves in perfect sync. 

    What does our dumb friend do first? He'll go off and find the most unusally placed weapon he can get his hands on. It's like finding a pick axe in a pre school. It's that bad. If that fails he will engage in fisticuffs. Both of these situations are nothing but prime ways for him to be killed. As most times, the killer will have some sort of weapon that he knows how to do spectacular things with. He's a professional. He's been killing stupid teenagers in cabins for years. You learn some shit after a while. Seriously. He could probably commit war crimes with a dildo. 

Even more deadly than a nuke.

    Here's how the fight scene plays out. It's painfully predictable. Our hero is wandering outside, usually yelling taunting threats at the one he cannot seem to find. That's a great way to get a fight with a lunatic started. Aside from just being alive and in his sight, throw in some insults to really piss him off. The killer casually comes into the frame and the music gets extremely annoying for a second. They stand face to face and our friend springs to action. He gets the first shots in and is somehow amazed that they're wildly ineffective. Now he starts to think he just made a grave mistake, but instead of retreating, he keeps fighting the good fight. Gotta hand it to him, he's determined as all hell. After the killer stops laughing at his weak ass attack, it's his turn. As I've said, he's most than likely been at this for years so he knows exactly how this is gunna go down. 

    Now shit gets real. Maybe he was just lazy and needed to warm up a little bit. It happens to the best of us. You just lose the drive to do what you once loved after a while. This could expalin why you never see the killer run. Or they just know the layout of the land way better than he does so little effort is required. Maybe he does parkour when he's not killing teenagers down by the lake. I like to think that. He starts his attack off simple, usually with just a stab wound that is clearly incapacitating to any human being. But hey, it's a movie so everyone is a godamn super human. 
 
Except this guy. His super human ability is to eat endless amounts nachos. That's how that movie goes right?

    After a minute or so it starts to turn grim. Our line backer is close to death with multiple wounds and our killer hasn't even broken a sweat. That's assuming the undead have the ability to sweat. I'm not sure, I'm not a doctor. This kill happens in a tame way so that over time, the deaths ramp up in impossibly violent and funny death sequences. Showmanship is important here. Start off with extreme violent death right off the bat and you'll look like a real psycho. After he makes the kill, he will hid the body in a spot where someone will find him later. Usually in a closet, a car, or the barn out back. When in doubt, always investigate the creepy barn first. Also, this leaves me wondering how he managed to get in the house to hide this guy without being noticed and without leaving blood all over the place. 
 
"Hey guys! Let's go see if he's in here! He's great at hide and seek."

2) The slut

let us explore what happens when the slutty chick is the first to die instead of the jock. Always, she dies in a hilarious naked way after being fucked. It's a rule or something. No matter what movie this is, the scenario is always the same. Once the party gets going good, the slut and most times the jock decide to go off and find a good fuck spot. There's always a perfectly suitable room. This is pure high school drama. The beautiful people in the school engage in coitus together. The lust level is through the roof. The level of tit showing is also at its peak. The combo of tit showing and murder has given me some of the weirdest boners I've had to date. And trust me when I tell you I've seen some shit in my day.
 
For the next minute, it's all about these flopping all over the place just waiting to be killed.

    When the fuck fest ends, it's time to die. Either the slut goes to take a shower leaving us to assume that she was involved in some seriously weird sex acts and needs to shower all that shame off her body, or the jock leaves to go invest a weird noise or the lights going out. The point is that one of them never comes back. This bitch dies in the most hilariously degrading naked way possible. Either waiting for her guy to come back, or being in the shower, this is where the killer quietly slides into the shot. I like to think he does this to perv out a little bit before brutally killing her. You would too. Being a psychopathic killer doesn't exactly get you laid.......Or so I think. 
  
"Move the towel. Move the towel."

    At this moment, this is where she sees him and rightfully so starts to freak the fuck out, but can't make a sound before she dies so no one is tipped off that death is happening right now. She dies in some creepy, horrific, and slightly erotic way. Slightly less crazy than hardcore German porn. No matter what you do, you just can't top that shit. Let's say she dies like this. She sees him and before she can freak out he grabs her and initiates the death move. He rips her eyelids off, replaces them with her nipples, and then shoves a dildo in her mouth with such force that it goes through the back of her head. Either the super human hypothesis I mentioned is true, or this thing is made of obsidian.

3) The nerd

Nerdy smarty pants kid is the next one to go. From the time they got there til now, he's been reading up on all the grizzly unsolved murders in the area. Either they all know about this and shrug it off as mere rumors, or he doesn't say anything about it to get revenge on them for picking on him in high school. 

"Fuckin' nerd!"

    He devises a plan to make it out alive. He knows they're all being killed off and will have none of this. When he finds out the slutty chick died, he definately snapped a pic of her all naked and dead and stuff. He never got a chance to fuck her and dead or not he's gunna see them titties.

 
    He finds out that all the death is part of satanic cult rituals as part of a cult or some shit. Cults are always up to no good. Knowing the natural order of these events, the killer knows what he's up to and targets him next to foil any plans he may have to make it out alive. To end the death, they have to head to the basement. There's always a basement. Preferably one with only one way in and out. It's not an easy task now that all hell has broken loose and they are being chased around by the killer. This is when the jock is found in the closet and the slut is found in that deadly fetish scene gone wrong. 
    Logic would dictate to get to the car and say "fuck this" and drive off and never look back and never get investigated for the deaths of their two friends. "So you say they went off on their own in the woods and never came back? Well, that's good enough for me" -movie cops. But, we all know that the second they showed up the car would be unable to start. Even the car was too scared to try and run away. 
 
                    "I do not like the look of this."

    During the chase scene, they manage to get to the basement by tripping the killer down the stairs or getting him caught in some Scooby Doo style trap. A swift kick to the nuts would have been just as good and simpler to pull off but hey, they're onto something here. Now they begin the process to put an end to all the cult death activity. This is to send the killer back to hell where he came from to be raped for all eternity, or be forced to listen to Gilbert Godfried stand up for all eternity. The rape is clearly the easy way out. They have to find the evil book, yes there's always a manual for evil, and say some ass backwards Latin chants while doing an interpretive dance number. Right as they're about to finish it, the killer busts the dance up. He's blocking the only way out naturally and all seemed doomed to die. A scuffle results and the virgin girl and the druggie are able to escape but the nerdy kid stays behind to complete the dance chant. They don't argue with him. He was never really their friend after all. He gets killed and all hope is assumed to be lost. 
 
"We'll never forget you Mike!" 
"My name is John!"
4) The druggie

 This kid is really only here for comedic value. Getting high the entire movie so far and spitting out a funny one liner here or there. He decides to come along for the trip because why the fuck not? At this point, he's tripping so much balls that he has no idea what in the holy fuck is going on right now. Hell for all we know he thinks he might be hallucinating all this. LSD is a hell of a drug. He doesn't even know he's about to die, so it's rather uneventful. Or the killer feels bad that he doesn't know he's about to die and kills him quickly, or he's running late and just getting fed up that things have gone on for this long. A quick snapped does the trick. Now we're onto the final sequence.
    
"Duuuuuuude.......I can see death happen.
5)The virgin girl

Time to kill or be killed. Little does he know that this scrawny virgin girl will be his ultimate downfall. He should never let his guard down. Why a virgin you may finally be asking? They're pure and ripe for all kinds of murdery activities. That's in the cult handbook somewhere right?
 
"The balloon is your head and the needle is a  rusty crucifix."

    Now the mystery is about to come to light. She finds out it's her creepy uncle who's killing everyone and has chosen to kill her for the virgin sacrifice to Cthulhu, our dark lord and savior. He's also the one who killed her entire family years ago and left her to live for this very moment. Now it's clear why she's caught up in all this. She has probably been very confused about that this whole time. 

    Realizing that he is just a normal human, she realizes she just has to kill him in any plain old fashioned manner. Or to movie logic, the most unusual way this situation allows for. During the final fight, she is knocked to the floor and is surely about to die. While wrestling him, trying to break free, she is just barely able to reach a rusty dusty crucifix she sees on the floor. Once she gets it, she shoves it in through his eye into his brain instantly killing him. I like to think Jesus would be smiling and flipping him off on that crucifix.
 
"Seriously. Fuck you bro."

    Now leaving a massive trail of death in her wake, she slowly walks down the road she came in on. She's probably thinking, "the fuck just happened and what do I do about all these bodies and crime scenes I'm clearly linked to?" Then the camera fades out and the credits roll.