g string ninja and the mystery fart
ok, so in previous blogs i told you funny stories about when i worked at a pawn shop. i also said i had more interesting and funny stories from my current job. when i turned 18, i started doing private security for exotic dancers. these girls would go and do bachelor parties, birthday partie, and private parties. i would generally work from 10 at night til 8 in the morning.
now this is a crazy job, i am constantly getting into shit with angry customers, weirdos, trannies, crossdressers, etc. i work in hollywood, so of course their are alot of fuckin nuts. ill try to focus on the crazy stories as opposed to the violent ones, as they are far more amusing. i am a little guy, 5 ft 7 in and at the time, about 160lbs. because of that i am very quiet and agile. this is a job that calls for that. many times, if a customer knows a guy came with the dancer, they get territorial and bitchy. sometimes they dont want to pay, sometimes they get violent. thats why i always try to sneak up and not be seen. hence the title 'g string ninja'.
one particular show was in an apartment complex at about 530 in the morning. i was waiting outside the apt of the customer next to a window for his neighbor. the window was open and emanating from inside, was the loudest snoring ive ever heard. in between snores, this grizzly of a man managed to squeeze out the nastiest sounding farts. then it happened... the nastiest, wettest, loudest fart ive ever heard. so loud in fact, it woke the guy up. HIS OWN FART WOKE HIM UP! i hear FFFAAARRRTTT then " wha what- what the---aaawww shit not again!!!!!" then i heard the shower start up amidst more swearing. THE GUY HAD SHIT HIS OWN PANTS!!!!!