The Best Jokes Only
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These are a few good jokes I found on the jokes’ section of ebaum's world:   Curious Midget A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small step ladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range. -"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!" Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away. -"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them." Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "OKAY, HAND OVER YOUR WALLET OR I'LL JUMP!"   Three Turtles Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there. When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. -"Ok Les Give me the bottle opener." -"I didn't bring it," says Les. -"I thought you packed it." Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener??" Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from Home without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for It, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise Lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace. Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise. Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts........ "I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT FUCKING GOING! "   Comparing Prices to Gasoline Think a gallon of gas is expensive? This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective. Diet Snapple è 16 oz $1.29 ......…. $10.32 per gallon Lipton Ice Tea è 16 oz $1.19 ............$9.52 per gallon Gatorade è 20 oz $1.59 .…...... $10.17 per gallon Ocean Spray è 16 oz $1.25 ……... $10.00 per gallon Brake Fluid è 12 oz $3.15 ……....$33.60 per gallon Vick's Nyquil è 6 oz $8.35 .……... $178.13 per gallon Pepto Bismol è 4 oz $3.85 ..……... $123.20 per gallon Whiteout è 7 oz $1.39 ......….. $25.42 per gallon Scope è 1.5 oz $0.99 …......$84.48 per gallon And this is the REAL KICKER... Evian water è 9 oz $1.49..........$21.19 per gallon?! $21.19 for WATER And the buyers don't even know the source. Evian spelled backwards is Naive.  So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on Water, Scope, or Whiteout, or God forbid Pepto Bismol or Nyquil.   What Part Dont You Eat? Q:What part of a vegetable dont you eat? A:The wheelchair   Bathing the Baby Q: What do you do when the water is too hot to bath your baby? A: Use gloves.   Flight Chatter A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?" -"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" -"OK". she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." -"How do you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?’’   In Love Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance .. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week That's about 60 bucks a Month and that should do us just fine." By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up With something that Bruce won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far." Mr. Smith no longer thin
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