December 16, 2007

Welcome one and all to the whack shack.
For those of you who do not know, I recently moved from Austin to Dallas. For a couple of months I had trouble finding employment. Long story short, I was recently hired at an adult video store in Dallas and I haven't looked back since. This blog will serve as a personal account highlighting some of my experiences peddling porn to the finest customers one can ever know.

Date: Sunday - 12/16/2007
Shift: 4:30pm - 12:00am

5:46pm - Received a call from a male customer:
"Thank you for calling XXXXXXX video."
"Can I speak to John?"
"I'm sorry, we don't have anyone working here by that name."
"Well what is your name?"
"My name is Seth."
"(In a throaty voice) How big is your cock Seth?"
At this point I decided to go ahead and end this pleasant conversation by hanging up the phone without answering (the correct answer being 16 1/2 inches - like a fucking mule).

5:49pm - Received a call from a male customer (guess who?):
"Thank you for calling XXXXXXX video."
"I wanna suck your cock Seth."
As intellegent and rewarding as these talks were, I spouted off some bullshit about tracing the call and reporting him to the police. He went ahead and hung up the phone. Perhaps he had already gotten his. I don't blame the guy really. Guys AND gals can't seem to get enough of Seth a.k.a. 'He who is hung like the horse'.

6:50pm - Customer assistance request:
Had a nice gal come into the store and she told me that her guy friends had sent her in with instructions to "get a bunch of anal and double penetration DVD's". The anal request was easily fulfilled after I showed her our "Gaper Maker" series of movies. I then advised her that the DP scenes are pretty standard fare for most movies in our 'Gangbang' and 'Special Interest' sections. She seemed surprised to find midget porn in the SI section. Maybe I've just gotten used to it. She finally settled on some XXX Hustler movies that promise plenty of DP, DV, and DA scenes. Always a good call.

8:00pm to 8:30pm - Store Maintenance:
Arranged and faced all of the DVD's in the store. Also fixed our Lube display which was a freakin' disaster. At least I didn't have to sweep and mop our "Privacy rooms". That duty falls solely on the graveyard shift. The last time I had to clean the rooms a nice gentleman had filled one of the trash bags with his urine. Awesome.

Fast fact: Did you know our privacy rooms boast a video arcade of over 60 movies for your viewing pleasure at the low price of $1.00 per minute?

9:23pm - Customer assistance request:
A gentleman came in looking for movies that "won't gross my girlfriend out". Successfully steered him away from our Special Interest and Transsexual sections.

9:37pm - Customer assistance request:
Had a guy looking for a movie called "Pirate". Apparently, this is a movie that cost 3 million dollars to produce and is supposed to be some quality shit. I am going to need to educate myself on new releases. The cool thing is now when I am surfing porn on the internet it is no longer perverted. It's research for work.

Called the graveyard shift guy and asked him to come in an hour early which he said he will do. This way I have time to buy some beers before the cutoff at Midnight. Nothing's better after a grueling shift at the whack shack then pounding a few Natty lights.

NEW MERCHANDISE ALERT: A couple of days ago I came into work to find what I can only describe as some kind of medieval weapons display. We have fucking battle axes, swords, maces, and even a 6 foot spear that is sharp as hell. I'm not sure how much of these we are going to sell. Most customers are coming in to burp the worm. I suppose the Dungeons and Dragons crowd might pick some up (I am guilty as charged). Some of the shit is pretty cool.

ITEM SPOTLIGHT: We carry this item that is simply called "The Fist". This fucking thing looks like Popeye's arm. It goes all the way to the elbow and weighs a ton. In all honesty, if some girl (or guy) buys this thing I am going to advise extreme caution. And a bottle of good lube. Astroglide, K-Y, Anal Ese, or my personal favorite, Gun Oil.

CREATIVE MOVIE TITLE OF THE DAY: I am going to try and highlight a new creative title on each blog if I can. I don't want to list something that is blunt like "Brazillian chicks with dicks Vol. 2". I was passing by our Asian section today and found a great title. "House of the Rising Cum". Brilliant.