Tales from the Doorman at a Bar
So, I wrote a blog once about my weekend job as a door man at a night club. It involved some skinheads threating to kick my ass. Some of you said it was fake, well fuck you. Here's something funny that happened tonight...
This dude named Blair comes tumbling out the front door, where I stand with my guest list checking ID's. Blair fucking goes through the door, across the velvet rope, and out onto the side walk on his ass, all at once, like someone had thrown him out. No one threw him out the front door, he was just that drunk. Before me and the other bouncer, this huge black dude, can pick him up and throw him in a cab to get him the fuck out of there, one of his buddies comes running out a split second behind him. His friend is holding some drink in his hand and shouting, "Blair!!!! You gotta finish your drink, man!!!" We don't allow people to bring their drinks outside, and we're yelling at the guy to get his ass back inside. In a flash Blair, who's obviously wasted, says, "But it's my birthday" with this sad puppy dog look on his face. The jackass staggers to his feet, snatches the drink out of the others guy's hand, and chugs it. Then his arms go lax, dropping the cup to the ground all in one motion, and stands there staring into space for a few seconds. Then Blair projectile vomits all over the ground inside the roped off area. Me and the other bouncer are fucking pissed. We pick up the guy and throw him in one of the many cabs that are lined up oustide waiting for fares. As I'm putting this yuppie prick in the cab, he looks up at me with a sad face and says, "Can I have a cigarette?" I told him he had a good run, but the night was over and since he puked all over the fucking sidewalk, we wasn't getting a fucking thing from me. Then he says, "But it's my birthday!" I slam the door in his face and the cab driver takes off.
When Blair fell down some change fell out of his pocket, just a couple of quarters. He also puked on the quarters. After our bar-back hosed the puke off the sidewalk, we just left the quarters there to see which asshole picked them up. The weekend before this one I had to kick a guy out who wouldn't leave when the bad closed, and he was a total asshole. That same guy left later that night and picked up the quarters. Asshole. Servers him right. Enjoy the puke quarters.
Also tonight, some hot drunk chick came stumbling out. She was obliterated. She had on one of those tops that's popular right now, I don't know how you describe it, it's kind of baggy and has no straps. Anyway, I was trying to put her in a cab and her tits kept falling out. Probably 50 people standing outside saw this girl's tits and she had no fucking idea what was going on. I eventually got her to lay in on her back in the back seat of the cab, I pushed her feet up so that I could shut the door. Her tits fell out again. The cab driver was some dude from Africa who was pissed off because he got the drunk bitch, but that's okay because that cab driver fucked me over one night. Payback is a bitch.
At the end of the night we kicked everyone out and did shots of Jager with the owner's brother. I love my job.