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I Was Jesus

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This morning I woke up and I was Jesus again. It was pretty cool. I got stigmata on my body, wounds on my hands and feet and stuff. So the first thing I did was call my friend, Dewey. I told him to come over. He agreed because he thinks my mom is a MILF. He likes the fact that she's still a virgin.

He came over and we decided to go to the lake. I asked Ken (the guy my mom's dating since she broke up with Joe) if I could have a couple of his bottled waters. He said sure so I grabbed a few and we went into Safeway to cash in some change then we rode our bikes to Bass Lake.

Dewey had some pot so I took a couple bottles of water and turned them into wine and we drank and got high for a while. We were hella bored and I was thinking, 'What would I do in a situation like this?'

I decided we would walk to the other side of the lake. When we got there we were hungry and didn't have lunch so I pulled out a loaf of bread and Dewey's all trippin' out because he didn't know where I got the bread. I told him I just made it appear. (but Dewey didn't know I had stolen the bread from Safeway) I told him that I pinched a loaf in Safeway and we just bust out laughing.

We partied for a while and I was thinking how stoned I was then I laughed because I thought of people stoning me for being Jesus. It was after curfew so Dewey said we should swim back accross the lake and I said, "No fucking way. I'm walking."

So Dewey starts swimming and I'm walking across the lake. I'm walking ON the water, kinda' doing this miricle thing and Dewey says to me, "How come you never swim?"

"I can't", I told him, holding my arms out, "I got holes in my hands and feet."

I got home and my mom said she could kill me but I'd just rise in three days anyway. But things blew over and I was Jesus for a day and a half and I still got a 12oz Aquafina bottle of wine in my backpack so I guess things worked out ok.

ugdork Uploaded 09/14/2008
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