The Sweetest Kiss
2 “pussy lips”
1 bottle of Pinot Grigio
1 cup heavy cream
2 servings thick noodles of your choosing
"I’d recommend buying Free Range Pussy because Pussy that roams is a tad more tender."
While this probably sounds more like a recipe for A Good Friday Night (ha-hah!), the fatty tissue surrounding a female human's vaginal
palette just so happens to be the most tender, delectable part of the body. These are scientifically designated as “the pussy lips,” and with a
nice white wine sauce, they taste like high-quality imitation crab meat. These “lips” may be a tad tough, given that each woman has a different degree of
flexibility, so before you choose the woman you wish to boil, you might want to tenderize the area with a fine-grade steel mallet. Or your penis.
As for cooking, first, begin by bringing the heavy cream to a light simmer. Then, pour in a whole bottle of the Pinot Grigio into the
saucepan. The noodles should be cooking in reserve and once you have them on the plate, glaze them over with the wine sauce. Pussy lips, like sushi, should be eaten raw
and placed on the noodles in an aesthetically pleasing manner—that is, snugly squished together…to look like they should: a 12-year-old’s.
Serving Size: 2
Serving Size Rank: Wine and Double Penetration
The Killer Cajun Coot (on a Stick)
1 bottle hot sauce
The female’s uterus is the largest edible part of the female’s vagina. As it is a tougher, spongier meat than other parts of her
body (aside from the woman’s brain, which is so coarse and fucking argumentative, you’ll end up just picking at it all night), it is much more filling.
The chewiness of the uterus depends wholly on the state of the ovulation cycle. If it is near the beginning of the ovulation cycle and the
egg is fresh, the uterus has the color and consistency of a pack of 20-year-old Bubble Yum. If the egg is nearly released, the uterus has the color of leather, but the
fine, salty taste of deer jerky. I’d recommend buying Free Range Pussy, not because I’m a Pussy Rights activist or anything, but because Pussy that roams is a tad more tender. You will have to scrub
it off more, though.
As for the hot sauce…as you may well know, it makes anything taste better. Just varnish the uterus with the hot sauce and shove a stick
in it before barbequing. Goes well with Dijon mustard and a thick Boston lager.
Also, you may want to slow spin roast the uterus for special occasions such as Christmas, Thanksgiving or a romantic dinner-date with your
Serving Size: 4
Serving Size Rank: A Creole Gang Bang
Grandma's Choco-Choco-Clit Chip Cookies
2 cups flour
2 cups milk
1 stick of butter
1/2 cups sugar
4 tbsp vanilla extract
What’s better than Grandma’s Choco-Choco-Clit Chip Cookies? Nothing! Duh!
You know from your (scarred) childhood that Grandma knows best when it comes to cooking those clits! So why fight it?
Mix all the flour, milk, butter, egg and sugar into the classic sugar cookie formula and then dump in a pack of Thompson’s Cornish
Clitori. They’re relatively cheap, but the best thing about them is that they still come in their hoods. So, once you open the pack, you’re going to want
descale and split them open to unleash the sweet, sweet taste.
I should add that National Health Regulations are correct here; clitori are crammed with toxins that may lead to any one of the
An erection lasting more than 4 hours
So, be sure to bake at 400 degrees for 10 minutes before you go putting them in your mouth…and please do not lick the
If you’re diabetic, you might want to stay away from the sweeter, oilier versions of clitori. For a nice change, try Smitty
McGee’s Sugarless Clits (made with 100% real virgin nun clits! Yummy!).
Serving Size: 8-10
Serving Size Rank: She doesn’t have enough holes for the amount of dicks we’re trying to put in her, dude. There’s a line forming to the right.
You should really take a number, though. It might take
awhile…you know, now that she doesn’t have a vagina and all that.