A few years back I was way into calling the telephone chat lines to meet chicks. Just like with the internet most of the females looking for the hookup on the chat lines were scary fatties. Although I'm not particularly attracted to fatties, I am attracted to getting laid and the chat lines were a way to talk to women without leaving home.

I met a woman on the line who I will call Alice. We had talked a few times and finally met in a bar. My first thought upon seeing her was, "She looks like Alice from The Brady Bunch," hence the nickname.

She was a real sow. She talked of the Seattle sex clubs she visited and showed me her tattoo of, no joke, a pig wallowing in the mud. We parted after a couple drinks.

A few days later I was making some habanero beef jerky 'cuz I loves me some chiles and she called and wanted to come over. I was halfway through a 24 of Steel Reserve so it seemed like a good idea.

After she arrived we started making out. I'm smelling my beef jerky cooking and wondering if Alice needs a meatloaf in the Brady oven so I slide my hand down her size 20's and set her to pre-heat.

Heat is the optimum word as I had been cutting the insanely hot habaneros just minutes before. I'd washed my hands but capsaicin oil is a bitch to wash off. She was hot-boxing in a bad way. Oops!

After her bath I banged her and hinted that it was getting late and that I needed to get up early or something. I took a long shower to wash away my disgust and looked, with gratitude, at my reflection in the full-length. At least I didn't look like Sam the Butcher...