Weekly Doses of Villainy Live from McDonalds


Preface: Fast-food is really bad for you. If that isnt enough of a deterrent, the people working at McDonalds are as likely to serve you as kill you. Thats a real statistic. Oh, and as always, this conversation will make me come across as an asshole - but you'll find it's justified. Swift

Premise: I attempt to order 10 four-piece nuggets, the servers brain explodes.


Server: May I help the next customer in line please?

(I step forward)

Me: Yes, hi.

Server: What can I get for you?

Me: I said hi.

(the server gives me a tired look)

Server: Hello.

(I stare blankly)

Server: (sigh) How may I help you today?

Me: Oh, well let me see

(I stare at the board above. The menu hasnt changed substantially since I was last there 8 years ago, but I feel the need to take a long, drawn-out look)

Minutes passServer lady looks at methen behind me at the line. To my sides other cashiers have each gone through two other customers during my browsing session.

Me: Excuse me miss?

Server: Yes?

Me: Do you have a 40 piece nugget?

Server: 4, 6 10 and 20.

Me: Okay okay. So I could order like two 20 piecers right?

Server: I suppose you could.

Me: Right okay. Oh geez, but thatd be like 18 bucks.

Server: (nothing)

Me: Thats a lot of money.

Server: (nothing)

Me: Is it a lot of chicken?

Server: 40 nuggets, yeah.

Me: How many chickens would you say that is total?

Server: Like 6 maybe?

Me: Really?!? Wow! 6 chickens for 18 bucks thats a steal! Thats like what? $6 a chicken?

Server: Yeah thats right.

Me: No its not.

Server: (nothing)

Me: Man, 6 chickens. Or I could just go for a Big Mac. How many chickens in a Big Mac?

Server: Its beef.

Me: Alright, how many beef-made chickens?

Server: I dont-

Me: I know I know. But imagine, if you will, a world where beef comes from chicken and chicken comes from cows. You follow?

Server: Cowsgive birth to chickens?

Me: Dont get smart with me. Im talking in meat terms. So how many burgers do you think a single chicken could make.

Server: that depends on the burger sir.

Me: Quarter pounders.

Server: 12?

Me: 1/3 pounders?

Server: 16?

Me: Big Macs?

Server: I dont

Me: Have any concept of fractions I know.

Server: Are you ready to order?

Me: Yes, I think so. I want 18 chickens worth of nuggets.

Server: A 40 piece?

Me: You dont have 40 piecers.

Server: 2 20piece?

Me: Thats far too expensive.

Server: (anger) What then?

Me: I want 10 4-piecers.

Server: Really?

Me: My way, right away, right? Thats your motto right?

Server: Actually

Me: or was it Eat Fresh. Thats a good one, real catchy. Short. To the point.

Server: Subway.

Me: I dont want Subway. Are my nuggets ready?

Server: I havent placed your order yet.

Me: Why not?

Server: You havent paid.

Me: Capitalist pig.

Server: Excuse me?

Me: How many nuggets in a pig?

Server: Thatll be $10.89

Me: How much is that on a per nugget basis?

Server: I dont-

Me: Can you check? Ask your manager?

Server: (nothing)

Me: Please, Im doing a survey.

Server: Really?

Me: Yes, Im a secret shopper testing for customer service.

Server: Ill get the manager.

(the server leaves the desk and heads back into the kitchen area, he talks to a plump little Hispanic guy and they both return)

Manager: Can I help you sir?

Me: Yes, Im with Associated Shoppers, can you give me your stores franchise number?

Manager: Our what?

Me: Your ID # something something. The number that identifies your McDonalds from the billions of others?

Manager: Why do you need that?

Me: Its part of my thing.

Manager: The secret shopper program?

Me: Yeah.that one

Manager: I didnt know secret shoppers did fast food.

Me: Its a new.branchsection of the program

Manager: Why did you call me over?

Me: Oh, yes, right. How many nuggets wait I need to lay some groundwork for this. Lets say that Chickens werent the only animals-

Manager: Are you serious?

Me: Let me finish. This has a point.

Manager: Lets get the point out of the way first.

Me: Oooh, I would but its important that it have context. Sorry. Alright, so, lets say that not only chickens produced their white meat but cows and pigs as well, you follow?

Manager: I dont have time for this.

Me: Oh, Im sorry, I thought you cared about customer service.

Manager: As far as I can tell youre not a customer, youre just a-

Me: Yes?

Manager: Im sorry, I didnt mean to get angry.

Me: Its quite alright. Im used to it. Its not right subjecting managers to surprise inspections like this. Fundamentally, Im against it.

Manager: Then why are you a secret shopper.

Me: Are you calling me a communist?

Manager: What?

Me: I thought McCarthyism died long ago. But its nice to know theres still a restaurant in Oregon where it lives on.

Manager: I didnt mean-

Me: Are my nuggets ready?

Manager: I dont think we ever processed your order.

Me: Well why the hell not?

Manager: Please settle down sir. What did you order?

Me: 10 4-piece nuggets.

Manager: Very well Ill- oh, Im sorry sir theres a limit on Dollar menu items.

Me: Why?

Manager: We wouldnt want to run out of low-priced items for other customers.

Me: Now, whos the communist? I thought this was a capitalist country. Hell, McDonalds is the living, breathing entity of capitalism around the world. No matter where you are. No matter what language is spoken around you. You can rest assured that when the craving for 20 chickens in small bite-sized servings rears its ugly head McDonalds will be there.

Manager: (nothinglooks embarrassed)

Me: You know what? Thats fine. Im taking my business to Wendys. She may be a whore but shell do whatever she can to please her customers. Unlike this communist insurgent in our midst. Im reporting you. Youre scum.

Manager: (nothing)

I leave but take 20 little ketchup packets and what I\'ve now counted to be 23 straws, I looked for some of the sauce packets but I suspect they keep those behind the desk. Am i a jerk?...Swift


Uploaded 01/21/2009
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