What Republican candidates are really saying, by ishambat at No

Hello, my name is John Smith, and I am your Republican candidate for Congress.

Like many ordinary Americans, I am concerned about the direction that this country has taken. I think it's wrong that a black man raised by a single mother could have the temerity to become the President of the United States. I also think it's wrong that a woman from California could have risen to become the Majority Leader of Congress.

With your help we can solve these injustices, so that Nancy Pelosi is back in the kitchen and Barack Obama is in jail.Our government debt has gotten out of control. Like anyone else I know that this was a result of Reagan and Bush borrow-and-spend policies; but I'm going to blame it on the liberal Democrats because it is politically expedient and who cares about truth anyway.

I promise to rein in government spending. My first step toward that is vastly increasing spending for the military, by far the government's biggest and most inefficient bureaucracy that buys $600 toilets and throws away perfectly good tools after a week in use. I am going to blame the out-of-control government spending on the Democrats even though I know that the federal budget was $1.8 trillion a year at the end of the Clinton Administration and $2.9 trillion a year at the end of that of Bush.

The government no longer reflects the values of American people. It has been taken over by leftist radicals who do such terrible things as recognize the reality of global warming and put resources into development of high-technology high-intelligence high-progress clean energy solutions that will allow people to have everything that they have now and more, while minimizing damage to the planet.

This sort of action is un-American. When I am elected, I promise to restore the monopoly of Texas Oil and force everyone's economic dependence on Texas Oil, so that Texas Oil rather than government runs everyone's lives in America.

I am just like you. I beat my wife with a belt every day and put her in a hospital if I find a dust speck on the floor when I come home from work. I got a black kid put away for rape when my teenage daughter had consensual sex with him. I promise to bring back the KKK, to teach men to beat their wives better, and to execute homosexuals and single mothers.

I believe that government is parasitical on America. I think that government-financed scientists are socially retarded commie nerds who use taxpayer money to serve Satan, even as my whole lifestyle owes to science everything from my car to my air-conditioned house to my big-screen TV. I think that the government has done nothing of merit as I use government-built roads and Interstate daily and am using government Internet to distribute my propaganda.

 I think that Democrats have destroyed America's greatness. I say this even as I know that the Democrat-inititated, Democrat-staffed computer industry was the true engine of 1980s and 1990s prosperity; that America's greatest military victories are owed to Democrats Woodrow Wilson and Franklin Roosevelt; that Democrats do such thankless low-paying tasks as educating youth and rooting out corruption; that America's greatest peacetime prosperity and greatest wartime prosperity were under Democratic administrations of, respectively, Clinton and Roosevelt; and that vastly Democratic science is the true source of all products that business sells.

I likewise know that your weekend, your humane working conditions, and many other things that you take for granted, are owed to unions, feminists and liberals. I also know that America became the greatest country in the world in early 20th century, the Progressive Era.

Yet I maintain that America's greatness was before there was such a thing as progressivism - in 19th century, when England was the world's greatest empire and America was playing second fiddle to it. I want to bring back America before the unions, before feminism, before liberalism.

I want to see you working 16-hour-days in horrible working conditions and get shot if you complain.I believe that America is the greatest country the world has ever known. Which is why I want to return it to what it was in 19th century, before it became the world's greatest country.

I am a true American patriot who wants to see America shrivel, as it did under Bush Jr. and as I want to ensure that it continues to do.As a Christian like you, I place no stake in scientific fact and believe that what we are facing now is Armageddon. I want to help you get there sooner, hopefully during my term in power. Vote for me and have a wonderful apocalyptic experience.

My name is John Smith, and I approve this message.

Uploaded 07/09/2010
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